Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cashier, dogs, feminine hygiene, funny, groomer, skunk, smell, store
Well if that title doesn’t catch your attention, I don’t know what will!
My good friend and neighbor recently took her dog out for a run in the local park (off leash) and unfortunately the stupid animal got sprayed by a skunk….right in the snout too! It reminded me of a funny story so I thought that I would share it with you.
About 8 years ago I had a German Sheppard. Lexi was a sweet dog and rarely got into things however she managed at least 3 times to get close enough to a skunk’s ass and got sprayed.
On one such occasion it was a cold dark evening and I was too lazy to let her out of the back door. I decided instead to let her take a quick pee in the front yard and I opened the door just enough for her to run out quickly, do her business and run back inside. She was a bit faster than usual and as she slinked quickly back into the house it hit me like a ton of bricks…SKUNK!
It’s usually bad enough that you discover your dog has been skunked however that was far from the worst part of this story. Our home had just been listed for sale and we were having an open house the next day. Before I could stop her, Lexi ran into the den and began vigorously rubbing her nose right into the carpet. As you might imagine, I panicked. No wait, that’s not the right word, I FREAKED! I began chasing my dog throughout the house with the intention of grabbing her and throw her into the garage. She did everything in her power to evade capture. She ran under beds, hid under the dining room table, and at one point she was so scared that she had peed on the carpet, which only fueled my hysteria.
When I finally did get her out of the house, was able to get myself together and wrap my brain around the events of the last 60 seconds I began to realize that the open house would have to be postponed but more importantly….how was I going to get rid of that smell?
The carpet cleaning was easy, and immediate! The dog on the other hand was going to be a bigger challenge. I had heard about all of the usual remedies including tomato juice and specialty dog wash shampoo but I wanted to be thorough and get the job done so I called my dog groomer Jeannie for her expert advice.
My goal was to pay her to do the job; she politely declined. So I was on my own but not without her “ancient Chinese secret” recipe; and here it is: Feminine Douches. You read this right, the groomers remedy was a douche….and not just one but she thought that it would take several, given the size of my dog and the close range of the spray.
At that point I was willing to try just about anything and Jeannie sounded like she knew what she was talking about so I put on my baseball hat and sunglasses and off to the local grocery store I went.
Since it was early in the day I was very hopeful that the store would be empty. I all but sprinted to the “feminine hygiene” aisle and grabbed 6 boxes of the best douches money could buy…..because they must be the best right? AND God knew, I was not doing it again. When I arrived at the checkout (there wasn’t self-checkout 8 years ago unfortunately), I placed my products on the checkout belt and watched them inch closer and closer to the cashier who waited for them with shear disinterest.
Now I know that these cashiers don’t give a damn about what customers are buying, they’re just doing their job. But since this was a store that I frequented often and since a man had just pulled his cart up behind me I couldn’t help but think that my purchase warranted some kind of an explanation, whether anyone wanted to hear it or not.
So I said to the cashier “I know what you’re thinking.”
Obviously thrown off by my mind reading abilities she replied “You do?”
At which point I responded “These aren’t for me. They’re for my dog.”
You could have heard a pin drop in that instant while both the cashier and the man behind me were trying to figure out what I was going to do to my dog….it was a moment I wish I could have framed!
Naturally I went on to explain that the dog had been skunked, this was the groomers remedy and so on and so forth. Of course both of them had to put in their two cents about how tomato juice and a specialty shampoo were their remedies of choice but agreed that whatever gets the job done was all that mattered.
So I left the store with my purchase quadrouple bagged so as not to have to explain my problem to another living soul and went about the daunting task of de-skunking my dog.
Long story short, it didn’t work. She smelled for months after that. Lexi passed away about 5 years ago and I have fond memories of her, she was a good and loyal dog. This memory is not so fond, but it’s funny as hell!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: biggest loser, diet, dieting, family, food, health, loose, mental health, support, weight
No, I’m not hungry for anything strange and metephysical, the thrist for knowledge, hungry to learn, none of that garbage….this blog is not serious or deep, it’s literal……..I’m hungry!
Two days ago marked the beginning of the end of my weight gain. We’ve started a “Biggest Loser” contest at my office and being highly competitive in nature and knowing that I could stand to loose a few pounds and inches I happily plunked down the $20 entry fee and have now begun my journey down the path of “The Dieter”. This is not a path that I find particularly enjoyable but the winner gets the pot, consisting of all participant fees. Right now I’m not sure how many are actually participating but that doesn’t really matter……although hopefully it will be enough for me to buy some new jeans, since I’ll need them!
OK, so it’s only day 3 and so far, so good. I’ve been up every morning working out for at least 1 hour and I’ve limited my food consumption to fruits, veggies and low fat foods. I’ve decided to cut out breads, pastas, rice and crackers…..all foods that I have eaten regularly and mostly out of convenience. I honestly am beginning to feel better, not so bloted all the time. I knew I would feel better and I’m thankful for that if for nothing else, but what I didn’t see coming however is the total and complete LACK of SUPPORT!
So I guess that I should have seen it coming, it’s a contest afterall. Don’t get me wrong, I’m about the least sensitive person out there so it’s not as though my feelings have been hurt it’s just that some people are being evil (and you know who you are)! Other participants in my office are leaving messages on my Facebook page like “Come into the office and we’ll get you a cupcake with extra frosting” or how about the status update “does anyone in my office want a cookie? loaf of bread??” I know I should have expected it. So how do I combat the big talkers? By not saying anything and quietly dropping the 25 pounds that I want to loose and by taking the winnings and laughing all the way to the Mexican Riviera! Maybe they are more motivational than I give them credit for.
Dieting has also given me a hightened awareness of food advertising. Take today for example. I was listening to Dr. Laura in the car and a commercial came on for Sheri’s Restaurant. Care to guess what today is?? That’s right, it’s free pie Wednesday……shoot me! I love Sheri’s pies. And they don’t just say “It’s free pie Wednesday” they have to go into all of the different pie flavors…..like Banana Cream, Marionberry, Strawberry Rhubarb, Peach, Lemon Merange…….you get the point. I was so busy foaming at the mouth that it didn’t occur to me to change the channel until it was too late, the damage to my pysche was done.
Kids can be brutal too. Last night FD came home from her volleyball game and off-loaded the bag of goodies given to her by her “secret sister” which included crackers, candy, a coke and countless other yummy treats. I gave her the evil eye and that’s all it took. She bagged up her treats and headed for her room faster than you can say Hot Tamales! The problem is that now I know where to go to find “real food”.
I’m learning something through this process though, dieting is not so much about loosing weight as it is about gaining self-control. Over time and over the years it’s been easy to make excuses for not eating right but what it really comes down to our ability to say no, make good choices and stick to good habits. While I’ve also been reminded that support comes from within I’m also reminded that the choice to not pay rent for office space at my company’s location was the best decision as far as dieting success!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: attorney, bitch, divorce, ex-husband, ex-wife, firm, lawyers, marriage, money, refarral
I am stunned by the amount of people and the “type” of people that are getting divorced these days….stunned! Recovering Straight Girl and I were the first in a long line of small town divorces but it would almost appear these days to have hit epidemic proportions. I hear of people from every walk of life, every religion and many that have several children and have been married forever! But that’s not what this post is about, it’s about my comical experience with a horrible Amazon-type divorce attorney that I hired….and then fired, several years ago.
Since I happen to know a few of the people getting divorces around town and since many of them know that I’ve “been there, done that” I find that I’m somehow a resource for other women looking for a good lawyer. I’ve had four. This is the story of the one that I DO NOT recommend….unless I’m feeling truly naughty and I don’t like the person that I’m giving a referral to.
Understanding that my previous marriage was over and that I needed to hire an attorney, I went on the advice of my old boss who recommended this particular woman because “she caused me to loose everything”. That’s right, my boss recommended his ex-wife’s attorney, not his own. (By the way, I’m not going to tell you who she is because frankly, I’m afraid of her!)
So I contacted the attorney, set up an appointment and when the day came I drove downtown to the 3 story brick office building that housed “The Firm”. I had been having a pretty bad week and was not in the best mental shape by the time I got into the office and I was ushered into a very small, very private waiting room. It was an odd room but I was told that this attorney had many high-profile clients and “discretion was of the utmost importance”. That of course made me feel pretty special until I then realized that special equaled $$$$$$$$$$.
So I sat in the little room, surrounded by books about divorce and parenting and I waited, and waited, and waited. Every once in a while I could overhear the secretary talking on the phone, then the attorney would come through the intercom and request something from her, then there would be silence until the attorney would request something else. The attorney’s voice was getting increasingly louder and more demanding as I listened until at one point I heard her door fly open and she was actually yelling at her secretary….I mean yelling! She was bitching her out, up one side and down the other and all of a sudden the door of the little room I was sitting in swung open and I know that my eyes popped out of my head as I stared up at this woman of at least 6 foot 6 inches and 250 pounds who was appologizing profusely at having made me wait…..it was a very scary site. And of course I was pissed at having to have waited for over half an hour but there was no way I was going to tell her that, no way! My response was more like “Oh no, that’s okay….I’m sorry to have upset you for waiting….”. The secretary was in tears, seriously, she was sobbing and I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell I was getting into.
The next 2 hours consisted of similar behavior by both of us. Me acting like a broken woman and her mentally and emotionally beating me up. At one point I was crying….and I swear I thought she was going to slap me, I SWEAR IT! I think that if she could have she would have. I kept wondering what the hell I was paying for, no one deserved that kind of ass kicking.
This went on for about an hour. She sat in a comfy chair opposite mine, shoes off with her skirt hiked up over her knees so that she could get her fat cankles tucked under her butt while her black tights screamed to be two sizes larger, lecturing me on a lesson in Narcicism (pointing to my future ex-husbands biggest flaw) she said to me “and I think you’re a Narcicist too.” “What?” I asked, through tears and sobs, “why would you say that?” and she responded “Because you called me. I work with celebrities and people with money and you had to have the biggest attorney in town because you think you’re so special. Guess what? You can’t afford me.”
That was the “epiphany” moment, the moment I knew I was right where I should be because every thread of my being was saying “I’ll show her!” and I really started listening to what she was saying. It was sales pitch, and a damn good one (I get that now). I began to wonder how many other people had come into her office meak as a mouse and had left there feeling truly empowered because God knew, I was one. I would show her, and my future ex-husband would fear for the wrath of this bitch!
The second hour was much different. She caused me to really think about the position that I was in and how to empower myself. She snapped me back into reality and helped build up my self-esteem that had been so torn down. As our meeting came to a close I plunked down the $10,000 retainer fee and I felt better then I had in weeks, and I felt better equipt to deal with the issues at home.
Not long after that I was passed down to a lesser known attorney at the firm and eventually I was passed down to an even lesser known attorney and I began to feel as though no one really gave a shit, they just wanted my money, and they got it. They got almost the entire $10,000 before I fired them and hired another more responsive attorney that finished out my divorce, to my satisfaction.
I will say that that experience taught me a tremendous amount. In all reality my entire divorce did wonders for me, it completely changed my life and it changed it for the better. There’s an old saying that is one of my favorites: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, and I’m living proof of that. That divorce ended up costing me about $31,000 in the end but what I got out of it mentally and emotionally was priceless.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: birthday, Christianity, crazy, elderly, family, God, grandmother, guilt, Jesus, mother, religion
Hello my faithful friends, readers and curiosity freaks…..life’s good!
So I came home after a fun-filled and much deserved week long vacation with the family to find an e-mail in my inbox from CAM (Crazy Ass Mother……which is literally what my mother is). This was a surprise because CAM and I don’t communicate….or at least I don’t make it a habit to communicate with her cause SHE’s CRAZY (cue the cuckoo clock sound).
Anyway, long story short….I was pissed. I have spent hundreds, if not thousands of dollars trying to get over the fact that up until I was 14 I was raised by a raging alcoholic self-centered slut bitch (sorry for the fowl mouth but it is what it is). In fact, in the last 5 years I’ve been fairly successful at keeping her at bay (as you will read in her own words).
Let me set the stage for the e-mail rant that I received; and know that you will have the opportunity to read it in it’s entirety for that is how I have chosen to respond…..to share it with everyone I know, and a few that I don’t! My grandmother turned 90 this last July and CAM somehow positioned herself as the person responsible for setting up the party (consisting of mostly other elderly people and a small amount of family). My family, MFH, FD, FS and myself were the only people coming in from out of town (party in Tacoma, Washington). I was informed that the party was to take place on Sunday the 5th of July at 10am. In fact this was the message left on my cell phone by CAM:
SUGARY, FAKE TALK: “Hi Stacy it’s mom (which irritates me when she calls herself that), I wanted to let you know that Gramma’s party is going to be on Sunday July 5th at 10am. Now I know that it’s not a convenient time…….but I hope that you can make it.”
I know that you don’t know her but trust me when I tell you she did this on purpose! Why wouldn’t someone that wanted me and my family to be there ask me my opinion BEFORE making the reservations? She didn’t give a shit, that’s why.
Now, to really understand the family dynamic I would have to spend hours writing and I’m sure you would be bored beyond belief so I’ll spare you…..because I care 
Long story short, we didn’t go, it wasn’t convenient and frankly if I was being dead honest I didn’t want to be around CAM, at all.
So it’s a month later and I haven’t talked with my Grandmother since I sent her a beautiful bouquet of flowers on her birthday and instead I get the following e-mail from CAM:
“I really don’t know where to begin to say what needs to be said. Guess I’ll dive right in.
Your hurtfulness knows no bounds, but I’m thinking you know that. It’s a travesty that you have kept your children from their grandmother, from the fun and nurturing they’d have in relationship with me, for well over 5 years. Your bitterness towards me has now slopped over onto your grandmother, who has always loved you so much, and the kids’ great-grandmother, who celebrated a rare and precious event, her 90th birthday, without them. Since then, you’ve been intent on self-justification and accusations as reasons for not attending. Forget it. It’s over. I’m truly sad because your bitterness is only hurting you, and your family.
Stacy, no one is saved and secure in his or her eternal destiny by occupying a church pew, by saying “grace” before meals, by confirmation, baptism, church traditions, or membership. And if you’re not walking with the Lord, you are His enemy……in rebellion against God. Your hard-heartedness towards me is proof that you’re not saved, because you could not do what you’ve done for the past 5+ years if you were. It’s just not spiritually possible. But today, right now, you can cry out to Jesus to save you, and He will give you a brand-new heart, as the Bible says, “…a heart of flesh.”
You missed a wonderful celebration of Grandma’s birthday……90!!! And she’s totally “with it,” works the crosswords, drives very well, cares for her home and cats, etc….etc!!!! And most important of all, my mom and I enjoy one another, share love and fun, and just wish we had more time together. Now that’s the “fruit of the Spirit,” nothing that Mom or I have done, but totally the answer to prayer and the work of God. Not attending Grandma’s party was your loss. Sure, your grandmother was hurt, terribly hurt, and I’d have loved to see you all. But we had a great time, made memories, and shared great joy, all gifts from God. We were truly blessed.
I pray to God every day to save you, but first you must be broken, just like everybody else. I pray for that, because there is absolutely nothing more important than your salvation….nothing. Stacy, my precious daughter, I beg you to turn from your bitterness and unloving ways, repent of your sins, surrender your life to the One who loves you more than any person ever could. He’ll never let you down. And when you get that new heart, let’s get together and share the love God plants in the hearts of those who believe on the matchless name of the Savior, Jesus.
I love you. Mom”
And you wonder why it’s cost so much to work out my issues with this woman? She doesn’t even know what the word “saved” means! I like Kat’s response when I read her this e-mail. She said “tell her that you spoke with Jesus and he told you that she is bat-shit crazy and that you should stay away from her!”
That’s really what I wanted to say but I thought about it overnight and when I woke up I realized that was what CAM was hoping for, a response. And she would take any response. So I decided not to give her the satisfaction of a response at all (cue the evil laugh).
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: coach, custody, divorce, friends, law, mediation, real estate, therapy
Wow, it’s been way too long since my last post…..that means that either Summer is here, I’ve been too busy with work, or my life has been so boring that I have nothing to write about. The answer lies with the first 2 options, certainly my life has not been boring!
Not a week goes by that I don’t get a phone call from a friend or an acquaintance that wants to pick my brain about either divorce or child custody. It’s strange. Why me? Am I an expert simply for the fact that I’ve been through a divorce and have battled over parenting issues? Maybe; or maybe it’s that I’m the only person they know that has been through these most unpleasant of experiences. Either way, I’ve become a therapist, a mediator, a coach and there’s a strong possibility that one could argue that I’ve been practicing law without a licence! So the question is: Should I change careers (because I should start charging for my services) or should I continue in real estate where my income has greatly decreased while my work load and stress has significantly increased??
And if I were going to contemplate a career move, which career should I choose? I’m compassionate and sympathetic so a therapist would be a good move. However, I’m also motivational and enjoy helping others achieve their goals so coaching could be rewarding too. Many would say that I’m somewhat (highly) arguementative and stubborn so the law would be a good move and may possibly help out with the income issue. Any one of these choices would work however they would involve additional education and I’m not sure that I’m up for that, mentally or financially!
So this whole post is a little tongue and cheek but I’m curious to see what my readers (most of whom are my friends) think that I should do. And this seems like a perfectly good time for a survey so let me know what you think and in my next post I’m going to tell you a story of intrigue and terror, I promise!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: candy, cigarettes, distress, economy, fear, help, kids, moral, Obama, parents, Realtor, stranger, teachers
Do you remember when you were a kid and your parents and teachers would tell you to never take candy from a stranger? I do! I was so afraid that if a stranger ever offered me candy I would be a goner. Rape, death, abduction….all of these things and more would happen if I ever took candy from a stranger. Parents and teachers are very effective at scaring the shit out of kids. The funny thing is that as we grow older we forget the rule, we get bold, grow our own opinions, secure our own thoughts and completely forget the rule that we should never take candy from a stranger.
And I can prove it. Take a look at our current economic situation, our economy is dieing a slow and painful death and in my humble opinion it’s because we all forgot the rule: Never, I mean NEVER take candy from a stranger! We have all done it and now we’re going to pay the price.
I’m a Realtor. Currently I’m dealing with what I like to call “The Three D’s”: Divorce, Distress, and Death. These are my clients, and it’s very “D”epressing…..although I have this blog to help me cope. Divorce and death are typically unavoidable but it’s the issue of distress that may help prove my earlier point.
MANY of my clients are in financial distress and are defaulting on their home loans. In most circumstances it’s due to the fact that they never should have been allowed to purchase the home in the first place. In other words, purchasing a home just because they could do it didn’t mean that they should have done it and now they and the rest of the American people are paying for it. See, what happened was that a stranger came up and offered them candy and they forgot the rule and they took the candy and now they must suffer!
So then along comes the federal government, like a white knight on a steed and it ”has a plan”, and it’s a good one. It’s been called “the Obama Plan”, “Help for Homeowners”, “ Hope for Homeowners”, you name it, it’s your government to the rescue. But like a Snickers bar being held out to an unsuspecting child, just as we begin to move forward the “help” (or candy) gets yanked back and we now find ourselves struggling to break free, or worse, fighting for our livelihood.
That’s what happened this week. It’s been only one month since this “plan” has been rolled out and within 2 days mortgage interest rates rose over an entire percentage point to over 6%, leaving thousands of homeowners that were hoping for assistance now unable to get it and worse yet, significantly reducing buying power for perspective borrowers of homes that so desperately need to be sold.
But back to the moral of the story. Although I digressed into something morbid and disturbing (the economics of our country) I would like to point out that there are many lessons that our children are being taught today that will hopefully stay with them (but I have serious doubts). The “Stranger Danger” issue has taken a back seat to the new danger of smoking, almost to the point of absurdity but I’m not complaining. My kids are so in fear of cigarettes that they won’t even go into a restaurant where it’s ok to smoke, seriously they would rather starve!
So in looking back over what I’ve just written and in taking into account that we as adults grew up and are doing the opposite of what we were taught as children I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised if someday FS or FD becomes the CEO of Phillip Morris?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Dr. Laura, job, mom, mother, mother's day, parenthood, success, thankless, worth
When I first became a mother over 14 years ago I was working retail at the local mall. I was 23, young and obviously dumb. I was working with a unique group of women far more experienced than me, in fact three of them were already grandmothers. One of these women was very wise, in fact I pretty much worshipped her. Because I feel the need to keep her identity a secret we’ll call her Mary (as in the blessed saint, and she’s Jewish so that’s actually funny!).
Mary had 2 children, both boys. By the time she and I had started working together her sons were pretty close to my age and Mary shared with me her desire to be a grandmother. In fact, when I found out that I was pregnant it was Mary that gave me my first baby gift, a teddy bear (which I cherish to this day…..but have no idea where it is).
After my beautiful baby girl was born I spent 2 months at home caring for her and then it was time to return to work (not a Dr. Laura fan at the time). I shared with Mary that I was overwhelmed by the fact that FD was not a great sleeper, an amazingly loud screamer and hungry ALL OF THE TIME. In other words motherhood was not what I had expected. In sharing these disappointments with Mary I was hoping for grace, understanding, guidance and hope. This is what I got (and it’s stuck with me over the last 14 years):
”Honey,” Mary said “I once took my boys to the doctor and told their doctor that I wanted to send them back!”
“Send them back?” I asked, not knowing that was possible…..but still somewhat hopeful.
Then, very delicately she said “I told him that I hated my children and that I could not be their mother.”
“Hated your children??” I exclaimed. And without saying it out loud I wondered “Who could HATE their own child?”
Sensing my unease Mary looked at me and said “My doctor assured me that this was simply a “faze” but trust me, some day you’ll be there too; you’ll know exactly what I mean.”
That story has haunted me to this day. I love my children, but I don’t always likethem. In the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse but at the same time I could understand what Mary’s message was.
Parenting is a choice; and mostly the hardest choices are the ones that are of the most benefit to our kids, but we don’t see that at the time because it’s so much easier to give in to what they want so that they will stop complaining, or asking or screaming! So here are the choices:
- Be complete suck-up parents and give them everything they want.
- Be the complete opposite and have them grow up to hate you and everything you’ve ever done.
- Find the happy medium and then get screwed because they still hate you for not letting them do EVERYTHING that they want.
In other words we’re screwed. Funny thing is that I’m okay with that. I love my kids, they’re not my friends. I don’t think that I truly earned the “friend” distinction with my dad until only a few years ago and I’m pushing 40!
Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet and although I hear a lot of stories of mothers that say that it’s the most rewarding job ever, I’m sceptical. Being a mom never made me money, never made me feel “successful” and certainly hasn’t earned me any awards. So where is the reward? Is this the mind of a mother with teenagers, too overloaded and stressed? Or is this the mind of a woman who had children and expected way more than what the world could and/or should deliver?
It doesn’t really matter either way. I am a mom, I have a job and I’m doing it…..and that’s what moms everywhere do every day. It’s thankless and (yes even on Mother’s Day) it’s just what we do. So why is Mother’s Day only one day out of the year? Is that all that we’re worth?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: credit, idiot, mistake, MLM, money, spending, toys
I was thinking earlier today about items and/or services that I have purchased over the years and in hindsight now realize how horribly mis-spent those purchases were. I thought that I would share a few of them with you, not with the hope that you won’t make a similar mistake but rather to share with you my total and complete idiocy.
- After my divorce and before meeting MFH I spent $1,500 on a dating service. This was a special service that promised to match me with other “professionals”. I went out on one set-up date, while I was promised 15. A week after that date I met MFH and was not entitled to a refund (read the contract).
- I once bought into a $2,000 + $200/month MLM online video system that was not only going to make me rich but was also going to help me with my business and add credibility to my e-mails, web presence, etc. I have never pulled the cameras out of the boxes and I have no idea how to use the system. I was able to stop the recurring charges to my credit card but the $2K was gone for good.
- Last year I promised my assistant that I would get a “contact management” system and decided to go with a company that EVERYBODY in my office was using. There was a one time set-up fee of about $300 and recurring monthly fees of about $200. While my assistant used it sporadically, I was never that fond of it and the training that was promised was a joke. When I went to tell the company that I wanted to cancel their service they told me that I had signed a one year contract, so I was basically screwed! I showed them though, I cancelled the credit card that they were charging!
- A very long time ago, BK (before kids) dumbass and I went into a gallery in Cannon Beach and bought a bronze sculpture for about $2400. It was a total splurge, totally stupid. During the divorce he claimed this piece of artwork and since I wasn’t up for the fight I let it go. Surprise, dumbass went broke pretty quickly and about a year later and I was asked if I would like to buy it from him. I forked over $1K to buy it back, I knew that would happen.
- Home parties+friends with money = crap no one needs.
- I worked for about 4 years in a high end jewelry store. Would you care to guess how much beautiful jewelry that I’ll never wear that I own? Don’t bother, it would shock and disappoint!
OK, this is depressing the hell out of me, but at least I can say that I’m pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson! I actually ended up marrying a man who is pretty finacially savvy and he has helped me see the error of my ways. Then again have you seen the toys in our garage?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: AM Northwest, animals, bird, cat, dog, Easter, fish, kids, pets, rabbit, zoo
Three years ago something happened in my household that changed the kids and I forever……we got a new cat, her name is Gypsy. I’ll bet that you thought I was going to say that MFH came into our lives! Although that was also monumental and oddly enough also happened 3 years ago, that was not as pivotal as the addition of this animal.
It was Easter weekend and FS, FD and myself went down to my dad and HC’s for the holiday weekend. HC loves to paint and decorate Easter eggs, she’s and artist and very talented. When we arrived dad announced that there was a little surprise and took us to the back window to show us this extremely cute little white kitten. Immediately I knew that this kitten had not been placed in that spot purposefully since HC hates cats (hence the HC), dad on the other hand is a cat lover and explained that this cute little kitten had shown up out of nowhere a few days prior and that he had been feeding it and that he had gone to all of the neighbors (he lives in the boonies!) and that no one knew of a missing white kitten and that he knew we were coming and oh by the way, could WE give it a home? Are you kidding me………..
When the kids and I moved into our own home a few months prior to this we had what I like to refer to as a small urban zoo. We had a rabbit, a parakeet, a large German Sheppard dog, a cat and 9 Koi fish…..I feel like I’m leaving something out. You get the picture, we didn’t need another animal let alone another mouth to feed! As you may imagine I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of taking this kitten home. But then it happened. Dad threw open the sliding glass door and the kids were out like a shot and before I knew it, it was too late, instant love; and this kitten wouldn’t let them go. She climbed up the leg of their pants to get them to hold her, she purred louder than a full grown cat and I would have been more evil than the devil had I told the kids no……plus I kind of liked her myself.
So we brought her home and the rest is history, sort of. We’ve had several cats and since this one had been used to being outside and I wasn’t thrilled at the idea of getting another cat de-clawed (I do think it’s wrong but I also like my furniture) I decided that she would be an indoor/outdoor cat. While most neighborhood outdoor cats are not thought of very highly, this one is loved! Our neighbors tell us that she’ll spend the day on their patio, that she’s so friendly, that she eats the field mice (and they’re thankful), and they miss her in the winter when it’s cold and wet. She also talks to us when we talk to her and although she sheds all over everyone it’s hard not to want to pick her up and give her a squeeze. So we’ve become very attached to our Gypsy.
A couple of days ago I was watching AM Northwest and there was a nutball lady on their talking about how destructive cats (and domesticated animals in general) are to the environment and that we should make them all stay indoors. Her issue was with the fact that they eat birds…….hello????….and destroy natural habitats…..what?? I was yelling at the TV, this woman was a loon! Had she never heard of the circle of life….Darwin…..does she want the world to be over populated with birds and mice and moles?? Then it hit me, I was defending my cat. What had become of me? And I don’t really like birds at all, they deserve to get eaten by cats. Oh my, now I’ve lost it!
You get the picture. It’s amazing how pets can mold their people, it’s working! We no longer have the German Sheppard, I gave him to a good friend, the cat killed the parakeet (it got into the cage while we were out of town!), the rabbit died (it’s not what you think) and we sold the house that had the Koi pond. We’re down to only 2 cats, our urban zoo has dwindled. I used to think that MFH had something to do with this but now looking back I think that it must be that little white cat, after all her name is Gypsy, there’s mystery in her, and things started dying and disappearing when she came along…..weird.
Gypsy
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: appreciation, chores, family, humor, kids, spouse, surgery
This last week has been a true test of my family’s ability to “step up” and help out more around the house and with me in general. Since my elbow surgery on Friday the 3rd, I haven’t been able to do much around the house and have had very limited use of my right hand and arm. Even the simplest of tasks is a chore for me and I’m not used to being an invalid so I have been hopeful that the other members of my household would take on a few more tasks, willingly……but as you may guess that has not always been the case…..at least not the “willingly” part.
Rather than launch into a long diatribe of how disappointed I am I would prefer to make this post about some of the comedic observations that I’ve noted this last week. In an effort to boost my morale and offer something humorous to my readers here are a few noted items:
- Other members of my household have no problem sitting at a table that has not been wiped off after 3 or more uses. They also do not have a problem preparing food on a kitchen counter that hasn’t been wiped down for 4 days. This makes me cringe.
- It’s taken me about 5 days but I am an ace at brushing my teeth with my left hand. If you haven’t tried brushing your teeth with the hand that you don’t usually use I would challenge you to try it. It’s not easy at first.
- Washing hair and body with one hand is next to impossible. Having a spouse do it is more fun for them than for you, trust me.
- Teenage daughters do not like to be asked to help mom hook her bra, but they do like doing mom’s hair!
- It is possible to apply deodorant to the armpit connected to the arm, connected to the hand of the same arm. It’s not a pretty look ( a bit monkey-like) but it works.
- It’s a bit embarrassing going to dinner and asking someone to cut your meat. It’s even more embarrassing to try to eat the meat uncut.
- It takes three to four times as long to write down a phone number with my left hand. As a side note I understand that I’m challenging my brain, so that’s good!
- Tweenage boys get a lot of entertainment value out of seeing how close I can come to touching my nose and/or hair with my bad hand/arm, but encouragement is everything “go, go, go, go, go mom, you can do it!”
So this last week has made me learn to appreciate my right arm…..that sounds really weird but I think that you get the picture. I’m not sure that my family has learned to appreciate me at all. The laundry is overflowing, the floors need vacuuming and dust bunnies are making homes in every corner of the living room (I know this because my daughter pointed it out, and laughed). I’ll be the last one laughing though, the kid’s chore board is filled today, they’ll be up till midnight!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: child support, court, crazy, deadbeat dad, dumbass, ex-husband
OK world, here it goes! I need an outlet, I need to speak and not really care who hears. I have an amazing husband and two fabulous children…..they’re all perfect and yet I’m surrounded by nuts, hence the blog name. I have an awesome career but can’t stand most of my clients.I have an amazing husband (yes I know I mentioned that) but I have a dumbass ex-husband. I have a great dad, but a nuttier than a fruitcake mother. I have an incredibly large and fabulous group of friends, and yet I’m in therapy.
So against my better judgement but at the advice of a friend, I’m going to attempt to blog. I’ve had a great life so don’t let my cynicism cloud the fact that I am actually a happy person, I am! There are just certain people in my life that will not go away……and they keep lobbing weeds into my garden (or so my therapist tells me). In an effort to get to the good stuff, I’m just going to share the latest regarding my ex-husband. We will, from this point forward, refer to him as Dumbass. In a nutshell, Dumbass and I divorced because he was a drug abusing, financially crippling narcissist. AND FYI: I enjoy full custody of my 2 children and I have a successful career. Onto the meat………..
Dumbass sent me an e-mail yesterday attempting to weasel his way out of paying court awarded child support for his two children. The long and short of it is that he went for over 2 years after our divorce with no award in place. That’s right, stupid me! Actually he refused to work so the support order would have gone against me. However this last Spring a very smart judge reduced Dumbass’s visitation (for a variety of reasons) and granted a support award, and a nice fat big one at that! Can you guess what happened? That’s right, he quit his job.
Eventually Dumbass figured out that he needed to work and found a job, making substantially less then he had before. I have no doubt that he did this on purpose and after you get to know him, I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, I read and re-read this e-mail several times over……and then came waves of anger, waves of laughter, waves of shame…..and now I’m sea sick. Here it is:
Yesterday evening my fabulous husband (who will from this point forward be referred to as MFH) and I, took a drive down to visit my dad and his wife. They are not nuts, they are pretty normal……so that’s not where this story is going!
My Grandmother, my dad’s mother has been living in the same town as dad for about 3 years now. After grandpa died she stuck around the old neighborhood for a while but since she was getting on in years she began to need help. She has always been one of those people that when you talk with them on the phone they never ask you how you are………..they just keep talking about themselves…..you know the type, selfish. Well she’s getting even worse as she gets older and now she’s cranky and bratty…….kind of like my teenage daughter! So I started thinking about how my poor dad has to deal with his mother, who’s more like a bratty teenager (and he was suppose to be done with that 20 years ago!) than a “mom”. Here are some similarities that describe both my 13 year old daughter and my 87 year old granny:
They both:
- Are all about them! I know I mentioned this before, and it’s probably the most obvious, but it bears repeating!
- Can do things on their own, but expect to be waited on!
- Need a ride, everywhere!
- Are defiant!
- Are always complaining about some medical affliction (granny is worse of course)!
- Get an idea in their head that they will not let go of!
- ARE ALWAYS ON THE PHONE! (usually talking to whomever will listen).
- Are always wanting to get their hair done!
Now that I read back on some of these similarities, I guess we should be thankful that Grandma is acting like a teenager and not a baby. I’m sure that dad wouldn’t want to be changing diapers again!
OK, maybe I’m the crazy one after all!!?? News channel 12 is coming over in one hour to test my children and I may have to turn in my “Mother of the Year” award because of it.
My friend Katie asked me to help her out. She’s a news writer for our local Fox affiliate and they are planning a show for the evening news for next month’s “sweeps week”. The idea is this: 1. No adults at home (I’ll be waiting down the street) 2. Have one of the guys from the studio come to the door of the home, ring the doorbell 3. See if the kids answer the door 4. Lesson learned: either I’m a good parent and the kids refuse to answer the door OR I’m doing a horrible job, they answer the door, admit that I’m gone then the news crew interviews me about what a horrible mother I am!!!! AARRGGHHH!
I’m having 2nd thoughts. Maybe in an effort to look like a good parent I should warn them about the impending “trickery”? OR maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s them and they should be grounded for answering the door when I’ve told them several times not to!! OR maybe it will teach them a lesson and scare them just enough that they’ll never do it again??!!
OR, maybe they will NOT answer the door and I will get to keep my “Mother of the Year” award………..we shall see.
My BFF J and I along with our hubbies went to a party last Saturday night. It was a house warming party with a Fall/Halloween theme. The invitation (an e-vite….which I love!) was simple yet elegant and inviting. We were all looking forward to celebrating our friends’ new home.
BFF J is ALWAYS on time, so naturally we were the first people to show up at the party. The house was very cute, the food was very yummy, and the drinks were flowing very freely. After about an hour and a half there was quite a nice sized group that had gathered in the kitchen and family room area…..which is away from the front door and out of view of the entryway. BFF J had gone into the front room to check out the food but was distracted when the she heard a knock at the door. Always helpful, BFF J answered it and was startled to see a couple standing before her in full Halloween costume glory!! Painted faces, costumes, the works!
“Are you sure you’re at the right house?” BFF J asks.
Now, since we were out of sight range there were no witnesses to this but according to BFF J the lady (we think her costume was that of a butcher gone psycho), turns to the man and says “I thought you said this was a costume party?!” She states this with what can only be described as a “death stare”. Then she turns back and says to BFF J “Please don’t laugh at us.” What else can you do?
BFF J keeps her composure and as the hostess of the party walks in to greet the guests they are silently ushered into the back bedroom where they can toss their costumes, wash off the make-up, and join the rest of the party as though nothing happened. That would have been the end of it except for the fact that BFF J came into the kitchen and shared this precious story with ME! AND, by this time I had enjoyed a couple of gin and tonics. Need I say more……I about wet my pants with laughter! The rest of the guests wanted to know what was so funny, and by the time the costume couple joined the party they would have been better off still wearing their costumes!!
So since this little episode I have come up with several options to be used in the event that you find yourself in this same predicament. Here is what you might consider saying when you find that you’re the only one wearing a costume at a non-costume party:
- Easy out: “We just came from another party and costumes were required!” (you could also say that you’re attending a party afterward and that’s your excuse to leave if the party is a bomb)
- To the hostess: “You look great as a witch…..nice nose!”
- When asked: “What costumes? We dress like this every day!”
- To a guest: “Where’s your costume? Didn’t you get the same invitation we did?”
- To anyone: “I dressed in costume to ensure my supply of candy…Trick or Treat?”
Obviously the unsuspecting couple had no time to think of these ideas but that’s ok. After joining the party the husband came over and hugged BFF J to say hello and thanks. As it turned out, he was the brother of the hostess and he knew my friend. As he pulled away he accidentally exacted his revenge……turns out he didn’t quite get all of the black face paint out of his beard and he left a nice big splotch of it on the shoulder of her cream colored sweater. I once again found myself in hysterics and I’m still laughing about that today!
HAPPY PARTYING!!
Happy Halloween!
This is typically one of my favorite days of the year, and for it to wind up on a Friday…..well that my friends is a bonus. One small problem has emerged however…….I have nothing to wear! OK, two small problems, I still don’t have pumpkins; another great “mother of the year award” moment for me. I hope the local grocery store still has some in stock.
So I’ve gone over the litany of choices in my closet and here’s what I can be for Halloween this year:
- Duck Fan (that would be fan of the Oregon Duck’s).
- Prom Queen….no wait I loaned that dress to my friend so that she and her boyfriend could go as an 80’s couple. Scratch that one.
- A Hooker…..there’s some insight as to what it’s MY closet.
- A Bag Lady……more insight.
- A Runner……hey, those sweats still have the price tags on them!
- A Nun
That’s right, a nun costume hangs in my closet. I’ve worn it for the last two years and now it looks like I may have to dust it off in an effort to look like I put some thought into my costume for this year’s party. I suppose I could spice it up a bit……maybe go as a pregnant nun, or a half dead nun, or even wear something really inappropriate underneath and go as a slutty nun but in all reality, I’m concerned for my salvation should I continue to mock the nuns and really piss off God! I don’t want to go to hell after all.
What kind of a Halloween costume is a nuns habit anyway? What is Halloween all about? I’ve educated myself on this question and here’s what I found out: Halloween began as a Celtic (Irish) tradition started by the Druids who believed that the spirits of the dead could come out one day a year. I’m not going to go into details about how it came to be the day that it is today because the fact that it grew out of Ireland, a country that has had a Protestant/Catholic war of sorts going on for many years stopped me in my tracks!
I’ve heard all kinds of stories about the nuns in private schools. Bill O’Reilly is always talking about the nuns, and sometimes it’s nice but other times he’s talking about how mean they can be. AND if they can be mean, then maybe, just maybe me wearing a nun costume is SCARY and in a strange way….appropriate!!??! After all, there are a lot of Catholics in Ireland, the birthplace of Halloween, and it’s a proven fact that nuns can be scary.
That settles it, I’ll be a nun……..again!
Is it getting hot in here?
Blogging is suppose to be my therapy. My whole intention was to find the humor for the craziness in my life. I also intend to blog daily….at least Monday – Friday, I need the weekends off! The problem is that yesterday was pretty much the day from hell……and NO, it had nothing to do with the election, that just happened to be the cherry on the cake of my really crappy day! I never had the chance to blog due to an appointment involving mediation.
So as not to bore you with the details and in an effort to live up to the humor that I have committed to bringing to this blog, I will simply say that my day was crappy yesterday do to a work related issue……which is a refreshing change because most crappy days involve issues with Dumbass! This is what I have been instructed by a “Settlement Agreement” to say: “the claims were resolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties”. However, I’m not feeling exactly satisfied; and I’m pissed that there are people who take advantage of other people and who attempt to assess blame when they should be pointing the finger into their own ugly face. Enough said.
It all began with Adam and Eve. I blame them, they started the blame game and here’s how it happened: Adam and Eve are out strolling through the Garden of Eden and low and behold they come upon the evil apple tree. You know the one, the tree that God told them “Do not eat from this tree, or else!” Adam somehow gets distracted (probably by a leaf) and starts walking in another direction and Eve walks up to the apple tree and sees a serpent (snake, asp, whatever, they’re all evil). The snake dude says to Eve, “Yo Eve, these apples are delicious, you should try one.” (That’s right, snakes talk) Eve says “No thanks” and as she’s walking away the snake says “Why not? You’re not gonna listen to God are you? Geez, they’re just apples, try one!”
Here’s the temptation. Eve stops, thinks for a minute and decides that the snake is right, they are JUST apples for crying out loud and who is God to tell her that she can’t have something! So she turns around and walks back to the tree. The snake finds her the best looking apple and encourages Eve to snatch it from the tree and take a bite……which she does. In the meantime, Adam joins her and sees that she is eating the evil fruit and FREAKS out! “What the hell Eve, God told us not to eat that shit!” he exclaims. Eve rolls her eyes at Adam and replies “No duh Adam, but the snake told me that they were delicious and I figured, who is God to tell me that I can’t have something? So I tried it and it’s really good! Here, you try it.”
You know what happened next right? That’s right, Adam ate the apple too. That’s when the sky opened up and the “wrath of God” fell upon Adam and Eve. God says “What the hell you two, I told you not to eat from that tree! I was very specific! Didn’t you hear me dammit??” (OK, I’m paraphrasing, I’m sure those weren’t God’s exact words).
This is where the blame game begins: Adam says “Eve told me to eat the apple!” Eve says “The snake made me!” The snake says “I don’t know what you’re talking about, God put the tree here. If he didn’t want you to eat, why did he create it?”………..and so on, and so on.
Until eventually, thousand of years later I find myself in a room for 8 hours, with a mediator, my client and a lawyer trying to figure out….literally trying to figure out what percentage of the blame should be passed around to all parties. And as usual, even filled with the highest percentage of blame, the snake wins.
This is how paranoid I am of my phobia: Prior to beginning to write this I actually thought “If I put this out there on the internet for the world to see, there is a possibility that someone will try to “get me” by using the knowledge of what my greatest fear is, against me!” Wow, I’m not only “surrounded by nuts”, I am one!
OK, so here it goes anyway. After writing yesterday’s blog post I started thinking about that damn snake. Why a snake? Why did God make the tempter in the Adam and Eve saga a snake?? Why not a cheetah, or a bear…..they both climb trees, it could be plausible. (BTW, if someone has the answer, please consider leaving me a comment. The reasoning is killing me now.)
When I turned 30, several years ago, I compiled a list (not like the one I mentioned 3 days ago). This was a list of several things that I wanted to do before I died. The item at the top of my list was “Get over my fear of snakes”. As long as I can remember I have had a fear…..no, a phobia of snakes. I know that this is a common fear for many people but my fear is far worse then anyone else’s, I just know it! I won’t go into reptile houses at the zoo. When I lived in Florida I would never walk on the grass at night because water moccasins would come onto the banks of the swamps at night. As a child my parents would have to go through my Ranger Rick magazines before I would even open one up and rip out the “snake pages”. Even writing this down is starting to give me the heebie geebies!
Size matters too. The big snakes don’t creep me out as much as the quick, smaller ones……..I just left but I’m back now. I fainted.
Anyway, so here I sit with this paralyzing fear while at the same time I have to scratch my head and wonder, why would God create snakes and then make the tempter in the story a snake? And then I remember that THAT is really where the fear began! Sunday school! This had to be my first introduction to a snake. After hearing the story of Adam and Eve I must have stored that little tidbit of information away, somewhere in the humerus zone (I know very little about the science of the brain), and then for the rest of my life I have processed this: Snakes are bad, scary, evil!
Well that’s silly. This doesn’t explain why there are un-churched people with snake phobias. I have always maintained that it’s the snakes lack of limbs, or the cold scales of their skin or the fangs………yeah that’s about all I can take. Writing about this has put me into the fetal position, and it’s really hard to type like this……………..
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: child support, dead beat dad, provider, spousal support
Well today is the day. It’s November 7th and according to Dumbass it’s the day he quits his job because he has no other options. This is his way of avoiding child support. If you haven’t read my first blog post titled “I’m Speechless”, you will need to in order to get up to speed on what I’m talking about today.
I have several friends that have Ex’s and as the primary care provider my friends receive child support and most also receive spousal support. ALL of my friends Ex’s have, at some point since the divorce settlement been asked to take less and/or have been dragged back or forced back into court by their Ex in an effort to have the settlement reduced. AND, more than one of these guys has had some type of job/work loss that they say “gives them no other option” then to have the support reduced.
In my case, the tremendous backward slide in my Ex’s ability to provide financially makes ZERO sense. This was a guy that at one point was earning $120K at a highly reputable company. He is now earningonly $30K, and that’s a high estimate. The court ordered him to pay $801/month to financially support his children, which is a lot given his current wage, however when the support award was granted he was making $60K (and that was only 5 months ago!)
Here’s the thing. I’m a Realtor. The market isn’t exactly booming. Still, I have done a very good job maintaining my finances, saving for the bad times and in addition, I am fully willing to get another job if need be! When I run this scenario past my friends, they feel the same way so what the hell is going on?
There is a problem in our society and it’s increasingly pervasive when it comes to supporting children especially. Placing the spousal support issue aside (please don’t feel that I’m discounting it, I’m not. However child support is seen by the court as a much more mandatory issue than spousal support) these men seem to think that it’s ok to make THEIR inability or unwillingness to pay their financial obligation a problem for the mother.
I have obvious issues with this, as I’m sure most people do. But here’s the issue at the top of my list: If I lost my job and was unable or unwilling to financially support myself and my children would I go to my Ex and ask “I need MORE support money because I can’t or don’t want to work?” Hell no. So why is it ok for them to come to us and ask us to take less, in an effort to put more money in their pocket? It’s not.
So what can we do? Nothing. Why would we expect these guys to be stand-up dad’s or even better, stand-up Ex-husband’s? They were lousy husbands (that’s why we divorced them) and without us there to keep them on the right track, they will be lousy providers. The only thing that we can do is stick to our guns, do the right thing, continue to care and provide for our children, cry on each other’s shoulders and know that in the end WE will be ok. You cannot and should not ever let your Ex’s problem become yours. Just say NO!
Now, as a side note, this blog is suppose to be humorous so I’ll leave you with a joke that I received yesterday. I’m not sure who the author is so I can’t give credit where it’s due but here it goes:
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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word The wife replied, “The f***in’ funeral director would be my first
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Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Christianity, commandments, crazy, honor, humor, mom, mother
Last weekend FD, FS & I all attended church. MFH wasn’t feeling good and stayed home, or maybe that was just an excuse to skip church, you decide. We’re your average protestant family, we attend church about twice a month but always make it a priority to force it on the kids through confirmation classes!
So at the service the confirmants in FD’s class all had to memorize and recite the 10 Commandments. There are 5 kids in her class so each kid took 2 commandments, recited them and then explained them. In addition, the pastor used this as his sermon lesson for the day. It was pretty impressive, the kids did awesome!
But that’s not what this story is really about…..I just wanted to brag! No actually this is sort of about the commandment that says “Thou shalt honor they mother and thy father”. I’m not telling this story in an effort to get all preachy, I’m actually laying out the foundation of issues with my mother.
My mother is nuts. We call her CAM, Crazy Ass Mother. That’s not exactly what I would call “honoring” but I think I’m ok. I’ve pretty much fallen short on all of the commandments at some time or another (although I’m not a murderer or an adulterer) but I’m told that I’m forgiven so I’m good! Anyway, I don’t really talk to CAM anymore. I removed her from my life about 4 years ago, for good this time. There were other times that I tried to stay away but she kept pulling me back in. She really is truly messed up but I hope the best for her (and those around her) but I just cannot have her in my life, it’s a recipe for disaster……a pinch of grandiosity with a dash of boundrylessness (something my therapist put in my head).
CAM has always been a bit controlling and I’m sure that most of us would say something like that about our mom, that’s what they do. But her controlling behavior reached a new height when she found the Lord. Please don’t misunderstand! I think it’s great when anyone finds Jesus it’s just that SOME people become holier than thou, and that’s what happened in this case.
The last few times that I have had the misfortune of hearing from CAM it was to inform me and the kids (with a postcard) that she was in NY, attempting to convert the Jews or (by letter) asking us for a donation in her name so that she could go on a mission trip to India to save the Lost Tribe of Menashe (and I only remember the name of the tribe because there is a law firm here in town and Albert Menashe is the lead Partner!! LOL).
The last time that I actually saw her was about 2 years ago when MFH took me to visit my Gramma (not my crazy one) while she was recovering in a nursing home after a fall. When we got there we weren’t expecting CAM to be there also, that was a bonus. MFH had never met her before but had heard stories. The visit started out very nicely and CAM was making ME look like the crazy one…..she was on her best behavior, dammit! But it wasn’t long before the crazy came out and I felt redemption coming my way. She started questioning MFH about his salvation, his beliefs, his Savior etc……she even had the nerve to hand us some mini brochures about how we could find Jesus. My response: “Found him already, thanks!” Needless to say I was more than a little embarassed but MFH got the education that reinforced the decision to keep CAM out of our lives.
I have finally come to terms with my Christian guilt regarding the honoring of my mother. I think that the best way to “honor” her is to keep her away. God knows that if I let her back into my life she would make me crazy and I would probably end up breaking another commandment…….the REALLY bad one!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: beavers, civil war, college, ducks, family, fans, football, mascots, Oregon, Rose Bowl, uniersity
I’m a duck. Not the kind that quacks. OK, I’m more like a duck fan…..I was born in the place where The Ducks rule the town. If you’re not familiar with Oregon then you probably think I’ve lost my mind. I haven’t, I just find it hilarious that I live in a state where the two largest universities have mascots that are either a duck or a beaver. Those are not very imposing figures when it comes to sports teams!
The Bears, the Devils, the Lions…..those are mascots that are a whole lot more imposing than a duck. Yet living in Oregon, in the Fall during football season and attending the UofO football games, the mascot just makes sense! After all, there is very wet weather here and it’s perfect, if you’re a duck.
This Saturday, November 30th marks the 114th annual “Civil War” football game between the UofO Ducks (sometimes called The Fighting Ducks) and the OSU Beavers (a.k.a. The Beavs). This is one of the oldest rivalries in college football. It also happens to be a bit of a rivalry in my family and my neighborhood!
My brother graduated from OSU a few years ago and I believe that he was the first member of our family to have attended the school. My dad and grandfather both attended UofO. Brother Ryan’s smack talk about his Beavs has created a bit of animosity with me but my dad and MFH are less sensitive than I am and they’re having fun. There is also a very clear line of delineation in my neighborhood and I think that it’s a sad fact that more of my neighbors fly college flags than the American flag!!
Tomorrow’s game should prove to be a great match up, these two teams are very strong. A Beaver win could send them to the Rose Bowl for the first time in 40 years. In a way it would be nice to see to them win for that reason only. Then I remember that about 8 years ago the Ducks had the chance to go to the Rose Bowl and the deciding game was the Civil War……which the Ducks lost, smashing their Rose Bowl hopes. Can you say revenge??
So tomorrow we will don our green and yellow shirts, obnoxious pom-poms and our even more obnoxious duck bill quacker noise makers and cheer on the Mighty Fighting Ducks (because we need as many imposing adjectives as we can get)!! Let the game begin!
The definition of torture is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Okay, maybe this isn’t the definition for most people. It’s just the definition for those of us surrounded by people that we hope someday, somehow will actually give us a result different than what we have come to expect. But then why, after receiving the same results time after time do we expect something different? Because we hope and wish for something different, but we receive the same results……only to be tortured by those unrealistic expectations. And thus proving that we, in fact, have no one to blame but ourselves for our twisted reality.
Yikes, where did that come from?
As a Realtorin this volatile market set in economic uncertainty and unrest, I can honestly say that I have been playing the “torture” scenario over and over in my mind, and I have no choice. Many of my clients are in a bad place right now. It’s horribly unfortunate that I have clients in compromising positions that are now playing the role of victims, when in all reality and when I analyze their situation they are really not victims of anything but circumstance…….and aren’t we all? It’s how we deal with those circumstances that make us the survivors that we canbecome, or the victims that succumb.
I get so tired of listening to people who think that they have no choice, we all do!
Choices. They range in dimension beginninng with “Will I get out of bed today?” and ending with ”Will I get off of this couch and go to bed?”. Daily, the choices that we make impact the lives of the people around us. I personally chose at least 4 times yesterday to NOT run over people that crossed the street in front of my car. I also chose to go to work, feed my family, clean my home and do my laundry! I now choose to book a vacation……although I may choose to work harder so that I have spending money while I’m on vacation! Wow, all of these choices are exhausting!
Why are some people better equipped to make better choices? Why are some of us able to adapt and mold ourselves to our surroundings? And why are others incapable of this, choosing instead to run on the treadmill of life, going nowhere? I don’t get it……and if my smartass brother leaves me a comment on how it’s all about how kids grow up and who gets what lego set at 5 vs. who gets nothing at 12 I’m not going to be happy
Honestly people, when you get to a certain age you have to throw the excuses out of the window…….speaking if which, I once chose to throw a computer out of a window while I was going through my divorce, those were good times!
Now, CHOOSE to make it a great day!!
I am missing a golden opportunity and yet somehow I cannot seem to grasp the idea that taking advantage of it would be okay.
I was just listening to GMA (Good Morning America), as I do most mornings while getting ready for work. I like to keep it on as background noise while I’m doing my make-up. Anyway, here comes a story about a woman who is suing Victoria’s Secret because she acquired a rash from one of their bras. Did you hear that??She is SUING because she got a rash……a curable rash……something that could be remedied with a topical medication administered by a dermatologist…….and she’s suing Victoria’s Secret over this. And here’s the kicker, there are others out there ready to join her in a class action lawsuit.
As a matter of record, an independent lab did a study of the bra, only to find out that it contained formaldehyde. I know that sounds nasty but there are quite a few products that people use every day that contain this substance. I’m pretty sure that we are slowly doing a morticians job for them. When we die their work is almost complete! Gross but true. There are a lot of people that are allergic to formaldehyde. Here’s the solution, don’t wear the bras!
What am I missing? If you get a rash, don’t use it, eat it, wear it or even look at it!
Right after I had my daughter strange chemical reactions were occurring in my body. My hair turned dark brown for one and I developed a rash, in a strange place! I developed a rash around my panty-line…..very weird! I went to my dermatologist and discovered that I had an allergy to elastic. The remedy (in addition to some cortisone cream) was to switch undies. So, I went from a panty that had exposed elastic to one that had the elastic waste band covered with cotton. The thought NEVER occurred to me that I should sue the company that had the exposed elastic waste band…..after all, it was their fault, right?
Wrong. And the lawsuit being brought against Victoria’s Secret is wrong too. After all, this is a company that has spared so many women the pain of breast implants, has boosted self esteem, and has probably made a bigger impact on men than viagra! How dare these women even consider suing Victoria’s Secret over a highly curable condition!!
But you know how this will end. The women who brought the suit will prevail. They may receive as much as millions of dollars or as little as a lifetime supply of bras and panties. Either way, it’s wrong and I for one am not going to take it lying down! In protest of these women I am going to the mall today and visiting my favorite store, Victoria’s Secret…..and I suggest you do the same!
Late last night, after crawling into bed, MFH and I were watching the news (we were waiting for Southpark to start!). I got the best laugh out of the day with a story that came on about a new study regarding teens and parenting.
People, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t! Here are the findings from the study, in a nutshell: Positive affirmations that help boost a child’s confidence may also cause them harm upon entering “the real world”! In other words, constant ego-boosting can in fact cause unrealistic over-confidence and when teens enter “the real world” it can become problematic that they are not constantly reminded of how great they are!
Where is the fine line drawn on something like this? How do we know if we are damaging our children by too much praise OR whether or not we’re providing them enough; and isn’t a lack of ego-boosting going to mess them up for good and possibly create low self-esteem? Yikes, we’re screwed!
When I think about raising my children and all that could (and still may) go wrong, I think back to when I was a kid growing up with a single mother…..and a crazy one at that. What was I doing at the age that my FD is right now? That thought frightens the hell out of me! In an effort to hide my past so that she never reads about it, I’m not going to go into details (just in case she’s reading my blog, God forbid!). Suffice it to say, the girl scouts wouldn’t have me and I was not the honor student that FD is. I suppose if we can look at our past and realize that our children are doing better than we did then we must be doing something right! Unless of course you were a girl scout and an honor student……sorry to offend you!
I suppose that all we can do is find the humor, do our best and know that none of us is perfect. This study just reminded me that no matter what I do, my children will probably wind up in therapy! Which makes me think that the government should start a tax free savings program for our children’s future therapy needs, kind of like they have for college savings!
MFH has a new hobby, and it’s going to get me killed! He has taken to collecting flags, and not just any flags, these are special.
Before I explain further, I must tell you that MFH has some personality traits that make this story amusing. Since I know that he reads this every once in a while I will try very hard to not hurt his feelings by defining one of these traits as “cheap”…..nope, he’s not that. He’s just thrifty, which in all reality is why we are very fortunate to be financially sound in this crappy economy! In addition to thrifty he is also crazy, and you’ll probably agree after I tell you this story.
MFH and I love to tailgate at the University of Oregon Duck football games. This was our first year with season tickets and we have had a lot of fun! Prior to leaving for the first game day of the season we visited our local sporting goods store to get all “ducked out”. We bought hats, car decals, t-shirts and a flag. You may have seen these flags before: you roll down the window, clip it to the glass then roll the window back up. They fly in the wind and are a true showing of school spirit. If you don’t have at least one, you’re not a real fan!
The first couple of times that we drove to a game were uneventful. Every so often MFH would notice a flag on the side of the road and would comment “Oh that’s too bad. Someone lost their flag.” and I would respond with “Some dumbass must have rolled the window down doing 65 MPH. That’s not too bad, that’s hilarious!” MFH would also remind me how much those flags cost and that it was such a waste that the ill-fated flag should be left fraying on the freeway.
Then it happened. On the game day drive home one late afternoon MFH spotted a flag on the side of the road. “Flag Down!!” he yelled……..startling the ever living shit out of me!! He pulled off to the side of the freeway (I think that we had been going around 80), came to a screeching halt, threw the clutch in reverse and backed up all the way to where the flag lay waiting. I was not amused, in fact, I was pissed! That was incredibly dangerous and ridiculous. Upon retrieving the flag he announced “This is a good one, practically brand new!”
Yeah, that was worth it……I don’t think so! I was ghost white and all he could say was “What?”. When I finally regained my voice the words that came out next weren’t something that I care to repeat. Suffice it to say I asked him to swear that he would never do that again, but he refused. He told me I was being silly, that we were fine and then he reminded me that he is a very safe driver…..this may have all been true however it did little to calm my nerves and would not erase the stains in my drawers (sorry to be so gross!).
So that’s when it began, MFH’s new hobby. After that first initial grab he made “flag finding” not only a hobby, but an obsession. I know he would argue this fact but I have been with him on non-game days on the freeway and he will still announce “Flag Down!!”, and all I can do now is brace myself for landing and hope AND pray that we don’t get hit by another car!!
Most recently he’s expanded his hobby: he is now locating downed flags from the OSU Beavers and he’s created a point system to grade the actual condition of the found flag. A 5 would be a new or barely used flag and a 1 has a broken “pole” and is tattered. To date MFH has amassed a collection of 9 flags, but only 3 are 5’s.
If these flags cost between $15-$20 and he’s found only a few really good ones and a few tattered then the net worth of his collection may total around $100. That’s got to be worth a few harsh words and your wife’s sanity, right? I’ll be driving to and from the games next year!
In an effort to cut down on my business expenses I have recently moved my office back into my home. As a Realtor with several listings I really felt as though having an office outside of my home was a luxury and although I am selling now, I’m just not comfortable with where I see our market going. Many of my clients are in a very unfortunate financial bind and I believe that my expenses for my business are better used servicing my sellers via marketing services.
With that said there are some unfortunate distractions that come with a home office. Some are obvious, like having kids at home, finding laundry or house cleaning that needs to be done, blogging But the distraction that traps me the most is the television. Worse than that, it’s the 24hour a day news channels. All of them, I flip around. When I’m not at home I listen to the same news channels on XM stereo in my car. I have a problem and I know it!
What I really love is when they have someone that comes on and tells us how horrible the economy is, and then they have another person that tells us how we’re doing fine, and that we should stop holding onto our money and spend!! I’m becoming schizophrenic and I’m blaming the news channels!
But wait, before I hire my attorney to file a lawsuit siting “24hour News Channel Schizophrenia” I have decided to share some ideas that may help you and your family get through this “potentially” difficult economic time. If you have any suggestions, I would love for you to share them too, please comment!
- Lower your dining expenses by joining the Elks! If you have never been to an Elks Club you should try it. Most locations offer a nice menu at a low price and with the smoking ban going into effect in January (in Oregon) it makes the environment more tolerable. AND, cheap drinks, need I say more?
- Share the clothes off your back! I have a closet full of clothes that for one reason or another I don’t wear. Find a friend that is the same relative size as you and trade those clothes for the ones that they don’t wear. No brainer!
- Sell your crap. Craigslist is still free in Portland and E-bay is still reasonable. How much stuff do you have in your attic and closets that you will never need or use? I have a lot and when I think about the possibility of having to get a part-time job I think about how much time I could spend selling items that I don’t need or use…..tax free…..that’s a part-time job!
- If you do need to get a job, join some form of law enforcement or security. According to the 24hour News Channels crime is up, gangs are everywhere, there’s pirates off of our shores and there are illegals in our prisons. AND all of the so-called experts are predicting that it will only get worse!
I hope that you find these suggestions helpful! Although I am being somewhat tongue and cheek I have no doubt that the implementation of these ideas could save your family money during these hard times. Oh, I gotta go, the 24hour News Channel is now doing a story on how blogging can be detrimental to your health 
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: actions, awareness, cell phones, effects, English, friends, parenting, rude, rude behavior, treatment
Almost every weekday morning I meet up with my BFF D for about a 45 minute brisk walk through our neighborhood and around the local park, and sometimes MFH joins us. Without fail we run into several other people while we’re out, many of them the same people every day. We all have our routine. Every once in a while we’ll walk by someone we haven’t seen before and at least once a week we’ll walk by someone who doesn’t return our cheery “Good Morning!” This morning that got me thinking about how rude people can be. AND, whether we all know it or not how we respond and how others respond to us can affect us throughout the day!
Here is my top ten list of rude behavior:
10: Chain e-mails that are sent by supposed friends that tell you to either forward it on to ten other friends or “you will have a horrible day”! What the heck is that?? Nice “friend”!
9: People who drive 10 miles under the speed limit with only a single lane of traffic and a double yellow line. It doesn’t cost anything to pay attention!
8: People who allow their dogs to poop on the sidewalk and don’t pick it up…..even when there is a free baggy, next to the garbage can, within 10 feet of where the offending poop happened!
7: People who pretend to not speak English. It’s one thing to really not know the language but if you’re not going to try, at least learn how to apologize for it, in English!!
6: Not signaling when going for a right turn. MFH is famous for that. He’s been flipped off for not signaling more times than I can count….and he deserves it every time!
5: It’s rude when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store and a new checker opens their lane and then takes the LAST person in line….the one behind you. “I can help whoever is next” does not mean the person behind me! OH, and then I’m the rude one for pointing this out to the checker with a pleasant “I believe I was next”…..no, that’s just irritating.
4: This one is touchy: people who talk on their phone in public places AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. The last part is the most important. I think that people should be able to converse on their cell phones but they need to be mindful of their surroundings.
3: Parents who do not control their children…….need I say more? Public displays of poor parenting should not be tolerated.
2: People who are chronically late. Oh wait, that’s me….but I’m admitting that I have a problem and I’m working on it. I’ve trained my friends and family to expect me 30 minutes late to any function, so it’s working!
1: AND the number one most rude thing that people do? When you are a pedestrian and a car will not stop to allow you (by law) to cross the road at a cross walk….and then when you pleasantly remind them that you have the right of way by either flipping them off or by yelling “Hey, thanks asshole!” they actually give you a dirty look! That’s just rude, and wrong!
A wise friend once made the suggestion that I keep a journal of all of the people that I came into contact with and how I responded to them throughout the day. When I say “came into contact with” I mean anyone from the gas station attendant to co-workers….EVERYONE. She said that after she had done this she became acutely aware of how her responses and actions toward other people could have affected them negatively and thus she changed her attitude to become a person that was more mindful of how she treated others. That’s a nice thought, in theory.
Me on the other hand? I’ll keep using my car’s horn, my hand gestures and my all around pleasant use of the English language to counteract the effects of rudeness!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: change, clean, dirty, messy, neat, tidy
I’m not sure what has happened to me. One day I was a complete OCD neat-freak and the next I was normal….and what does normal mean? Messy? Some what tidy? Mostly “picked up”? Who judges these things??
Mother’s, they are the judges. I come from a LONG line of neat freaks and I’ve been told that my Germanic ancestry makes it worse.ALSO, my family would totally disagree with calling me a neat freak…..that’s what humongous neat freaks they are! OH, and friends, they judge too (whether they care to admit it or not, they do!). AND anyone who steps foot in your home…..and God forbid they stop by unannounced!!
Wow, reading what I just wrote actually stresses me out, badly! I’m telling you, I used to be that person in the paragraph above, RSG can testify to it! Friends used to comment on how every time they came over my home it was perfect; clean, picked up, nothing out of place. BUT, what they didn’t know was that the drawers and the cabinets and the closets were as unorganized and untidy as you could ever imagine. Let’s analyze that shall we?
It doesn’t take a therapist to figure this out. Does Bree Van deCamp ring a bell (although I’m sure that her closets are perfect, her life is not)? If you’re not familiar with Desperate Housewives then you must live under a rock. Suffice it to say I can identify with her character. In my former married life I was horribly frustrated. As Dr. Laura would say, “[I] chose wrong!” (something MFH is constantly reminding me of). Dumbass was the opposite of neat, and worse, he pretty much expected me to pick up after him and because I did he continued to leave me messes. In a strange way I guess it validated my existence in the household. My #1 function was to clean up after him (and the kids of course), it was how I had any control over my home and my life……God knew he wasn’t going to change. The change that came about in me was due to my going back to work and having to hire a housekeeper.
For a variety of reasons that marriage failed. Today, after years of therapy, entering into a new relationship with MFH and analysis from a multitude of friends I can honestly say that I accept not one ounce of blame for that failure ! I will also say that this was not the only reason for the failed marriage……this was the tip of very LARGE ice burg…….and that’s for another day!
People change over time, I guess it’s called maturing. I am still considered tidy by most (BFF J called while I was writing this and said that I’m still a neat freak but her husband is deathly allergic to my cats and so she never comes around much and that makes her a poor judge!!) but in all reality it’s nothing compared to the dark days, I’ve left those behind me.
Today I’m lucky if my bed gets made, you’ll more than likely find a dish or two in my kitchen sink, my home office is an unorganized disaster and cat hair dust bunnies are forming as we speak, but I’m happy! In general my home is clean but clean does not rule my world. Something else wonderful has happened too, I have stopped caring about being judged by others regarding my neatness. If they don’t like the way I keep my house, they don’t have to come over…..we can meet at a coffee shop instead…..or better yet, I’ll go to their house and then I’ll be the judge!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: attitudes, insecurity, parents, talk, teenagers, teens
I just spent three hours with three wonderful teenage girls and I have a few questions:
- Why do they talk so fast? I cannot understand them half of the time because they are talking so fast that they are slurring their words and sometimes they stutter to get it out so fast….amazing.
- How come every other word out of their mouth is “like”? I think that if they would slow down that they wouldn’t need the filler word like “like” all the time. (uh oh, a double like….now I’m doing it!)
- Why do they all have to talk at the same time? Is any one girl saying something that is so important that they can’t wait their turn? Trust me the answer to that question is NO!
- Why are they so insecure? We were going door-to-door on a food drive through a neighborhood. I was driving, they were door knocking. I told them to go to separate houses each, spread out. They all gave me puppy dog eyes because they all had to go together!! It took three times as long, THREE times!!
- Why, whenever they see someone they know, must they roll down the window and scream that person’s name? This is why window locks were invented…..well maybe it wasn’t the first reason but they work……when the window is actually locked (that’s a mental note to me to lock them!)
- Why do teenagers sneakers attract dog shit like a magnet? That’s right, dog do-do was tracked into my car. I gagged the whole way home.
I couldn’t get out of that middle school fast enough! After we delivered the food to the auditorium and tallied up the cans (it was a contest) I was gone like a shot! But the entire trip home I couldn’t help but wonder: Was I just like them at that age? Is it possible that I was that annoying to my parents? Was I ever that insecure? I know that the answers are all yes and then I remember that my parents never participated in these types of events, probably for this very reason: There’s not enough aspirin in the world for the migraine that develops!
Then I think: That’s okay, God willing, someday they’ll have teenagers too. (Evil laugh!)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: brag, celebration, Christmas, decorations, envy, homeowners, lights, neighbors
Please do not misinterpret this post but I have a problem: Why do people insist on turning on their exterior Christmas lights before Thanksgiving? Being prepared is one thing but do they have to actually turn the lights on?
It’s bad enough that every year the stores put up decorations and lights a week earlier, pretty soon we’ll hear jingle bells in July! But when homeowners do it it’s like they’re embracing this bad behavior and it’s irritating.
I love Christmas but it defeats the specialness of it to have it last longer than the month of December. That’s as obnoxious as the people who take an entire month to celebrate their birthday….it’s one day people, celebrate and move on. But we have to take the birth of Jesus and make it last all of December and most of November nowadays. Yes, I know that he’s the Messiah and that there was preparation for his coming and that’s typically why we celebrate all month long, I get that. AND I’m going to spare you the “it’s overly commercialized” because that’s a given. My problem is specific, it’s the lights!
In a time when the economy is in the toilet, is such decadence as Christmas lights even necessary? (Don’t even get me started on how we cut down and kill trees in celebration) AND aren’t we trying to “go green” and not waste the energy associated with the electrical usage that Christmas lights require? Bah, humbug!
I look at it as a bit “in your face” for people to turn on their lights early. Kind of like they’re bragging. They’ve got their lights up and are way more prepared than anyone else and they want everyone to know it! I actually have a neighbor that pays a service to put up their house lights every year. The service was out there two weeks ago, and my response was “You have got to be kidding me!” However, these people are tactful enough to not turn the lights on yet. If they’re reading this, I would like to say on behalf of the neighborhood, Thank You!
What it really boils down to is envy. That’s right, I’m jealous of the fact that a few of my neighbors chose to take advantage of the beautiful weather this past weekend and put up their Christmas decorations and lights and we didn’t. Nope, the day we finally get our shit together will be the crappiest coldest, wettest day on record but we will not be outdone, the lights will go up……eventually!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: children, danger, kids, news story, parenting, stranger
Last night was not my proudest moment but I suppose that if the story made even one parent stop and think about reminding their kids not to answer the door to a stranger then I guess, in a weird way that I did something good for society. Who cares that it made me look like an idiot, right?! Okay, so I took one for the team!
(Hint: Click on the highlighted “Story” in the paragraph to see the “Stranger Danger” story)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: friends, funny, humorous, joke, thankful, thanks, Thanksgiving
Well, what else am I suppose to write about the day before “Eat Till You Puke” day? So here it goes:
I am thankful for…………
- My best girlfriends, who all hate the same assholes that I do; those are true friends!
- Sweat pants with adjustable waist bands, which I’ll be wearing tomorrow.
- My wonderful children because without them I would have no one to live vicariously through.
- My hair stylist. Whether you like the cut or not is not important…..she’s a miracle worker with the color, which covers the grey created by the last item that I’m thankful for!
- Benzoyle Peroxide and Retinol, which have saved my complexion and help keep me looking young (that would be in my humble opinion of course)
- My therapist, nuf said.
- MFH (My Fabulous Husband), who is so fun to laugh at…….I mean laugh WITH!
- The fact that Thanksgiving is only one day out of the whole year because if there was more than one a year I would weigh about 350lbs!
For all of these things and more I feel truly blessed and give thanks; and to all who took the time the read this: HAPPY THANKSGIVING and don’t forget…..elastic is your friend!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: camera, choice, Exhusband, recall, schemes, video, video camera
I was listening to the radio in the car yesterday and I heard an advertisement for a store that sells nothing but TV’s and video stuff. It reminded me of something that Dumbass had done about 11-12 years ago and I had to share the story with MFH. However I’m really coming to understand why sharing these crazy stories with my current husband is not always the best idea. I’m beginning to look like the idiot for having married Dumbass in the first place!
Dumbass was always trying to come up with get-rich-quick schemes but this one really took the cake. I remember thinking that when he shared his idea with me and even though I shared that thought with him he still proceeded, as usual.
One evening on the local news there was a story about a video camera that was being recalled. This wasn’t something that would normally hold someone riveted to the TV screen except that the recall was due to the fact that the camera could potentially (not definitively) allow the viewer to become a voyeur. In other words the claim was that the camera could film in x-ray vision. Pretty far fetched but that was the claim and my X bought it hook, line and sinker!
He never did anything quickly, unless it benefited him and this day was no exception. Dumbass was at the store, fully prepared to be the first person through the door, and he was. He purchased all of the remaining recalled video cameras, 6, and if I remember right they were about $600 each. That’s right folks, he bought $3,600 worth of video cameras because he believed them to be able to film people through their clothes (I’m still shaking my head). He also believed that he could double his money because the demand would be so high once the story really got out that every weirdo on earth would want one of those cameras!
Now, it was a pity that this took place so long ago. There was no local Craigslist and E-bay was just getting up and running. In addition, my X actually held a full-time job (if memory serves) and so he had no time to attempt to market these cameras for sale. People he did try to sell them to told him he was crazy and that they had heard that it wasn’t true and/or they didn’t really show people “naked”. Go figure.
He never sold one of those video cameras and although I wasn’t there when he returned them I’m sure that it was a humbling experience for him (it may have been the only humbling experience that he ever had). The store clerk was reluctant to take all six back and they charged him a restocking fee. He was down the fee, the gas, the time and any humility that he may have once had.
This of course was not the only time something like this happened, there was always another idea that he was sure was going to make him money, fast. The problem was (and still is) that hard work and working hard never seemed to be an option. It’s taken me a long time and many reminders from MFH to know that I cannot expect a different result from someone who continues to make the same poor choices and errors in judgement. But then again, without those bad choices I would have nothing to write about!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Arizona, crazy, envy, family, inlaws, jealously, Mesa, retire, retirement, vacation, weather
I apologize for my brief hiatus, I just returned from a trip to Mesa Arizona to visit with the in-laws. AND I couldn’t have picked a better time of the year to fly south because it’s frickin’ freezing up here in Oregon!
All four of us me, my FD & FS and MFH were all flown down by my very generous father-in-law for four days and nights to spend his birthday with him. We had a great time (thank you for asking) and when we returned home Sunday night I fell into a deep depression….it was cold and I didn’t want to go to work the next day.
So, when I did wake up on Monday morning I was a 38 year old woman who became a 15 year old rebellious teenager with the raging (and often irritating) hormonal see-saw style attitude that literally lasted until I went to bed last night. Fortunately for MFH, I’m over it, somewhat.
Here’s my problem: I WANT TO RETIRE TOO (you have to say that in a very whiney, irritating childlike way). My in-laws are living the life that I want and I want it now!! Not in 20 years, NOW!
The in-laws are snowbirds. They live from April through September up here and are in Arizona during the winter (although the winter for them is 7 months!) They are not what you might call “wealthy”, both of their homes are very modest, in fact their place in Mesa is a park model (which is a small mobile home). They have lived financially “smart” and were both fully retired at 61. They live in a retirement community when they are in Mesa, complete with a huge recreation hall, swimming pool indoors and out, workout facilities, and you wouldn’t believe the activities available to them! Water volleyball, glass & wood working classes, concerts (on site), dinners…..the list goes on. Not to mention the friends that they have made down there…..they are from all over the US and Canada. OH, and I won’t even get started on the daily cocktail hours in the evenings, on the deck, in the warm weather……….
Then I come home to reality. My daughter has her period, my son is a backtalking nightmare, my clients are all in bankruptsy, foreclosure, divorce, or are just generally pissed that their homes haven’t sold and all I can do is wish, hope, and pray that someday, somehow I will live long enough to retire. And then I think “I’m going to have to kill myself to get there!”……I guess that’s why retirement is so sweet.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: aging, doctors, falling apart, humor, old age, sick, Webmd.com
I’m falling apart. My body is failing me. It’s really very depressing but I suppose that it’s not entirely to be unexpected, after all, I’m getting older and it’s all part of the aging process, or so I’ve been told.
In the past year I have had more “issues” than ever. I’ve always been very healthy. Other than child birth and a tonsillectomy (at age 4) I have never spent time in a hospital; unless it was to visit a friend or family member. Those of you who have not been as fortunate as I, have no sympathy and I understand and forgive you (BFF J is now telling me to put two pairs of my big girl panties on). I am the furthest thing from a hypochondriac…..when I get sick I’m in denial, but when I’m REALLY sick I’m a huge wuss, because I never get sick. Does that make sense? I’m a wussy when I do have health problems because I’m not suppose to have health problems, I’m healthy! Until this last year that is.
I must preface this next paragraph by telling you that Webmd is probably the most irresponsible on line tool that no one should be using…..and of course I’ve highlighted it to provide you with a link so that you may see just how bad it can be. Please, whatever you do, do not rely on the diagnosis of this site. It is always in your best interest to consult with your own doctor, and when you do so, do not tell your doctor that you are there for a visit based on what Webmd told you was wrong with you. They REALLY hate that. It’s understandable and here’s why: According to Webmd, after inputting my symptoms I have cancer, and I’m dying……and I may be gone by the end of the year, “sniff”.
Now, I’m writing this very tongue and cheek. I’m sure that I’m fine. In fact, I visited my doctor and I’m fine….other than the fact that I’m falling apart. But, I’ve been told that happens at my age so I need to get over it. In the past year I’ve been diagnosed with kidney stones, tennis elbow, and now I need a skin grapht done on my lower gumline & my wisdom teeth removed. For someone who has never had a serious injury (other than a minor nose fracture in a freak bar fight in college….that story is for another time) I am in no hurry to proceed with any of the procedures that are required….because frankly I’m a wuss and I don’t feel the need to voluntarilly have pain inflicted on me, even if it’s covered by insurance and could make me feel better.
I’ve watched my parents and my grandparents age over the years and I think I’ll be ok, they are of pretty hardy stock so I’ve got that much going for me. I also enjoy a glass or two of red wine every so often and I know that’s suppose to be good for me. I don’t smoke and I eat pretty well so I’m going to attribute my rapid aging process to having a teenager. Those of you reading this that have a teenager will probably agree. Even the best kid will still give you an ulcer every so often and although I’m blessed with two great kids I can’t help but think that the grey in my hair and my physical ailments began to really show when the middle school years were upon our family.
Either way it could just be that I’m getting older and there is no stopping it. If you’re thinking that “it’s to be celebrated (with a big cheery smile)” then you’re wrong about that too! As I approach 40 I’m just going to rely on some of the new catch phrases that I’ve heard: 40 is the new 30 AND grey is the new blond! (and as I’m writing this I just pulled out my reading glasses, those are new too!)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: addicting, addiction, Blackberry, communication, Facebook, sleep, status update, teenagers, text messaging
OMG, like IDC wat u do…..wat evr!
WHAT? Okay, I’m addicted to Facebook and my new Blackberry(aka: Crackberry)…..and I’m learning how to speak “text” and “chat” and it’s seriously like learning another language. The best part is: I can now communicate with my children again!
Have you ever had the opportunity to check out Facebook? It’s pretty neat, I mean cool, or awesome!Actually it’s a great way to connect with friends, family, co-workers, networks, former classmates…..you name it. This is not an advertisement for Facebook but I am able to connect and communicate with people that I may otherwise loose track of. In fact, I’m catching up with friends that I went to high school with and since I went to HS in New York and now live on the west coast there are quite a few people that I’ve lost touch with. I’m talking and communicating with friends that I haven’t seen in over 20 years, and that is very cool! In fact I’ve been dissed by my HS boyfriend, again! Ah, memories….LOL!
Technology is hard to keep up with though, and in all honesty if it wasn’t for MFH I would probably be lost. He has miraculously “sinked” (I know that’s not how it’s spelled) all of my “stuff”. But, between my Crackberry and FBI have found a much larger addiction. If you are familiar with FB then you will understand: the status update.
Thanks to the mobility of Blackberry and the “status update” on FB, I am now able to tell all of my “friends” exactly how I’m feeling, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! I actually find myself thinking about my mood as I would have it show up on my facebook “wall”. It’s a total addiction! So that you can understand, here are a few of the moods that I have had….and they all begin with ”Stacy is………..”
- “happy for her friends and their laughter!”
- “wishing she wore more comfortable shoes to shop in!”
- “speechless.”
- ”thinking that Tom Cruise has had a nose job……”
The list goes on. It’s been made even more fun by the fact that I can now update my status on my Blackberry!
But here’s the real problem, I find myself thinking in “status mode” throughout the day….constantly. I even woke up the other morning realizing that I had been dreaming in “status” mode: Stacy is falling and afraid she’ll hit the ground…..Stacy is running from an attacker and can’t scream…….Stacy is snuggling with her husband…………for crying out loud, it’s an addiction! Why would people care what the heck I’m doing 24/7??
But they do care, because they respond. They comment on my status. They ask questions and show concern. They are as addicted as I am and we all have a problem. I have over 55 “friends” on FB and at any given time we can know each others mood, feelings, thoughts, whereabouts etc. anytime of the day or night! It’s weird, it’s almost too connected…..but it’s addicting. In all reality I could update my status every minute or less!
And therein lies the next great 12 step program: to ween people off of the Facebook and in particular the need to constantly update everyone on their statusi, 24/7! AND in this fabulous economy that we’re experiencing, I think that I have a winner of a money maker!
(BTW, spellcheck went Ape S*** on this post, LOL! Maybe someone should invent a text dictionary…..ooooo, another money maker!)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: CVS pharmacy, daughters, friends, funny, humor, Menstral Cycle, menstruation, pads, Period, sex education, tampons
I felt like a change, I hope that you enjoy the new look of my site……I think it’s peaceful!
I must preface this post by saying that if you’re a man reading this, you may want to think twice. Although I think that this is an amusing little story about a mom explaining the facts of life to her daughter, a man may be put off. So there it is, I’ve given you fair warning!
4 years ago FD was about 10 and believe it or not she actually had friends that were starting to get their periods. (As a side note: I blame it on the hormones in milk and other food products, but I have nothing to back up this claim, it’s just my belief!) One evening she was complaining of a stomach ache and since I was so paranoid that she could be getting her period I decided that it might be time to have “the period talk” with her. I asked her to localize her pain. “Is it up here?” I inquired, placing my hand just below my chest “or is it down here?” I asked, very carefully placing my hand on my abdomen.
She must have thought I was nuts because that’s the look she gave me (and she gives me this look ALL of the time). Either way she informed me that she was sure that it was her stomach and not a pain in her abdomen. While this was a relief to me it also sparked the opportunity to ask her about her knowledge of the female anatomy. So I asked “Do you know what it looks like in here?” and I placed my hand back on my abdomen. She shook her head no and gave me an inquisitive look, so I made the suggestion that we find a picture of the female organs on the Internet.
Hind site is 20/20 and if I had to do it over again I would never have allowed my 10 year old to look over my shoulder while I googled “female organs”. It’s horrifying what you find……and it certainly sparks a whole plethora of questions! After my initial shock I suggested that FD “sit down and watch TV while “mommy finds an appropriate site to visit”.
Eventually I found the proper diagram and I invited FD back over so that I could show her where an egg develops and travels and what the uterus is all about. She seemed fascinated…..and then I got to the part about our “monthly visitor”. I prefer to call this visitor Flo, she visits every month, stays for about a week (just long enough to wear out a welcome), we’re glad when she leaves but we hope she comes again, same time, next month. OK, that’s not exactly how I explained it, but you get the idea. Speaking of ideas, I had what I thought, was another great one……..but remember hind site?
After I felt confident that she understood how periods worked, I decided to show her what tampons and pads look like and how they function. I thought back to an experiment that we did in sex education when I was in school. It must have had an impact on me because I can’t believe that I remembered it! Here’s what my health teacher did: she took a small glass of water and dunked a tampon into the glass. SLOWLY, the tampon soaked up the water, not all of it but enough that we all understood the concept.
Tampon technology has sure come a long way because that’s not exactly what happened in our experiment. I got the glass of water and went into the bathroom. I pulled out a REGULAR (not Super nor Super Duper) tampon and as I dropped it into the glass my FD and I watched in stunned silence as the tampon soaked up the entire glass of water in less than 1 second…..it may have even happened in a nano-second, it was that fast! She was horrified, completely freaked out, and I had a lot of explaining to do.
She vowed to never use a tampon and I was almost right there with her! I had to explain to her the science regarding the differences between certain substances but that really did nothing to calm her fears. In the end I apologized, threw out my mess and FD and I went back to what we were doing before our little chat began.
FD finally got her period recently and at an inopportune time…..while we were on vacation! I took her to the local CVS which was across the street from where we were staying and as we stood in front of the “wall of pads” we laughed hard about the different options. I had to explain that I had no idea what she should get since I used tampons, and based on our experiment from several years ago that was not an option for her. I asked her what her friends used and she gave me the “are you nuts” look again. It took a while but we finally settled on something with wings, to which I reminded her “when in doubt, take flight”!
I think that it’s great that I have a relationship with FD where we can laugh about “that time of the month”. Periods were no laughing matter when I was a kid….I was devastated and begged my mother not to tell anyone when I got mine. FD couldn’t wait to call her friends, she is proud and I am proud of her. Little does she know she has many, many years of fun times ahead!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cards, Christmas, decorations, leftovers, new year, resolutions, tree
On the first day of Christmas my true loves gave to me: a fabulous wine opener and some wine stoppers! Finally, something I can use.
On the second day of Christmas: we took back our Christmas tree! Here’s the deal, this year we bought a fake tree. Being an Oregonian I have always thought that there was something very wrong about having a fake tree however I also remembered that real trees are messy, expensive, need water and cost money to dispose of. So I broke down and we bought a tree For $240 at a local big box store (that shall remain nameless) on December 13th. On December 14th they went on sale for $188. A few days after that MFH and I went to get a credit for the difference and the store refused to follow through with their own pricing policy because they claimed that the item was “on clearance” and therefore we were not entitled to a refund of the difference. SO, we bought the same tree at a local store for 50% off and took it back to another store, with the original receipt from the 13th! We showed them! They could have saved over $50 by just giving us the credit but we received almost $110 back because they were jerks! Merry Christmas!
On the third day of Christmas: I counted all of our Christmas cards and realized that half of the people that we sent cards to, didn’t return the favor. Do they hate us? Is it the economy? Either way, they’re off of next year’s list! And what about those Christmas letters? I finally got to read them and realized that I know a lot of perfect people with perfect families and perfect lives (yeah right).
On the forth day of Christmas: I started throwing out the leftovers, and there were a lot. Green-bean casserole, boiled potatoes, even pie and cookies! I can wait another year to see some of those dishes again.
On the fifth day of Christmas: I was ready for school to start up again!
On the sixth day of Christmas: I attempted to motivate myself to get some work done…….but wrote this post for my blog instead
On the seventh day of Christmas: I will prepare for another party! It’s New Year’s Eve and another reason to celebrate!
On the eighth day of Christmas: I’ll nurse my hangover.
On the ninth day of Christmas: I’ll write my New Year’s resolutions list…..and it’s gonna be long!
On the tenth day of Christmas: I’ll break my first New Year’s resolution.
On the eleventh day of Christmas: I’ll break all of the remaining resolutions!
On the twelfth day of Christmas: I’ll pack up all of the decorations, the ornaments, the stockings, goofy hats, and clean my home….unless I feel that blogging would be more fun and motivating.
Happy Holidays to all!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bad, bad business, behavior, good, humor, ironic, irony, karma, predatory business, revenge, rude
I believe in karma, the idea that what you put out into the universe is what you will also get back. I have to believe it because I’ve seen karma come back to bite people in the butt and I’ve also seen karma come back to bite people that really may not have earned it. Of course there’s also good karma. One of my favorite sayings is “The best revenge is success (or living well)”. That’s a form of karma, right??
I think that one of my best karma stories has to do with a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless to protect her identity). Several years ago this friend and I were pretty close. It’s unfortunate but our friendship took a downturn during my divorce. The funny thing is that you really find out who your real friends are when you go through hard times. She acted as though divorce was contagious, and now that I think about it, it was! There were quite a few people I knew that followed in my footsteps. Now I’m getting off track………….
Anyway, this friend had a great sense of humor. She also had an uncanny knack for impersonating people and was especially good at impersonating a deaf person. Trust me, I knew that it was not politically correct but she was amazingly good at it and every once in a while when she poured the impersonation on I would roll on the floor with laughter. I feel a little bad telling this story because it is horribly politically incorrect but hind site is 20/20 and I can tell you now that I would not find any humor in it today. You guessed it, karma came through. My friend was diagnosed with a tumor on the eustacian tube in one of her ears. Fortunately it was benign and through surgery the tumor was removed. Here’s the downside, it was considered brain surgery and the recovery was very lengthy but worse, she lost all hearing in that ear. To the best of my knowledge she hasn’t performed that impersonation since then and even if she did, it wouldn’t be funny.
I also can’t help but think that in some way the crappy economy is due to karma. So much greed and so many bad spending habits by so many people (forget the corporations, that goes without saying) has led to financial ruin. I’ve seen a lot of it right within my own industry. When real estate was hot there were a lot of Realtors and mortgage brokers that took advantage of buyers and sellers. Some of you may be happy to hear that I know quite a few of these people who are now loosing their own houses and their businesses…..and for the most part, they deserve it. Now that’s irony, brokers loosing their own home after predatory and unethical practices screwed over their clients that were buying a home….it’s almost funny!
Here’s one more example. CAM told me this story about how she had gone to the gas station to fill up her car. There were no other cars in front of hers and instead of pulling forward she stopped at the first pump. There was a guy who pulled in right behind her and couldn’t get around her car to get to the first pump (which was the pump she should have gone to in the first place). Before she even began to pump her gas he came over to her and asked if she would please move her car forward, she refused. The gas attendant came over and the two men explained that it would nice if she could pull forward so that this gentleman could fill up too. She still refused and proceeded to fill up her car. Both men walked away in a huff. She ended her story by saying to me “Can you believe how rude they were?”, I was stunned. This woman professes to be a “born-again” Christian. Did she not learn that you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you? She must have missed church that Sunday. CAM got a two-fer, she chose to piss off two people for the price of one and how did karma respond to this? After a number of other jaw dropping incidents I have chosen not to have her in my life and subsequently she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren.
So the moral of the story is just that: put out good, get good. Put out bad, get bad. It’s pretty simple but it bears repeating and it’s a good life lesson for the new year. May karma be kind to you and your family in 2009!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: attitude, career, economy, housing market, job, job loss, life, money, real estate, work
So BFF J and I had a bit of a heart to heart this afternoon. It seems that earlier today she received her “pink slip”. This was not altogether unexpected as she’s been working on contract for a large trucking company, and we all know how well trucking companies are doing in this less than stellar economy. She’s not too upset about it though and I envy her for that. Most people haven’t been as smart as she and her husband when it comes to finances and she doesn’t have to work so she’s among the lucky few. I spent some time crying the blues about the real estate market too. The funny thing is that I’m still working, I’m just not making money!
So when I started selling real estate in 2003 the housing market was actually pretty slow, by “normal” standards. It gradually improved and by 2005 I could hardly keep up with the work load. I was a complete idealist, I was in the business to help people make their dreams of home ownership come true. I know that sounds sappy and Saccharine but it really is the truth. In the height of the market, somewhere between 2004-2005, I was writing a crazy amount of contracts on homes for clients that would stand in line or draw lottery numbers or even over-pay for a house! Nowadays I’m fortunate to write one contract a month (for a buyer) and I’m lucky to see an offer on a home. Oddly enough I’m working less but netting about the same and here’s why: in a boom only about 25-50% of my offers were accepted and today they all get accepted because everyone knows how rare it is to actually see an offer.
The gradual downward progression from optimism to pessimism usually doesn’t happen overnight and mine has been no exception. I think that it really began with my first sale related to a divorce. Prior to that all of the sellers that I had worked with were either relocating and/or moving on up….happy reasons to move! Shortly after the first divorce clients, the second followed and then the “downsizers”; clients that were looking to downsize their existing home and get something smaller, for a variety of reasons but usually financial. Then came the “job loss” clients. We were still in a decent financial market, housing prices were stabilizing and I could still help these people get out with equity……..they were the lucky ones. The “job loss” clients were followed all too closely by the “short sellers”, which is where I find myself today.
The “short sellers” are the most depressing group of clients that I could ever hope to NOT work with yet this is where I find myself today. See, the “short sellers” have NOTHING (for the most part) and many of them are in divorce…..the ultimate double whammy! These are people that (more than likely) at some point had equity in their home but the problem is that the market has dropped so dramatically that their homes are no longer worth what they owe on them. AND to make matters worse, for a variety of reasons they cannot afford to stay in their home.
Do you see my decline? So I went from helping people live the co-called American Dream to helping people throw it away, get rid of it, destroy it, and pretty much trash it. Don’t get me wrong, many of these people have made very bad choices that got them into the bad situations they’re in, but many of them are still making those same bad choices and they just want a free ride.
So therein lies my dilemma, my sour attitude toward a career and business that was once my passion has affected my mental state to the point where I do not want to be a Realtor anymore. To make matters worse, I’m not the only one. There are a tremendous amount of Realtors getting out of the market and I can understand why! To a certain extent I’ve reached survival mode, which sucks. I do not work well in survival mode because it’s all about making money and making money is not my passion, that’s just a bonus
So BFF J and I are trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up. She sees her pink slip as the golden ticket to finding her passion and an open gate to several self-fulfilling opportunities (my words, not hers). I see the down market and my steadily worsening attitude as an invitation to begin anew, attempt a new adventure……….or I could crawl into a hole hoping that when things get better someone might come and take me back to the party. Well, one can dream and one can survive. Either way I know that wherever we land it’s where we’re suppose to be…………right?
I’m pretty sure that it’s beyond the generally accepted time frame for exterior Christmas illumination but maybe I’m wrong? What do you think??
Let me know, cuz’ it’s driving me nuts!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: dark, divorce, friends, happiness, honor, light, love, marriage, new life, results
Hi all, I know that you’re dying to find out what the results of the poll are. In all honesty there’s no real surprise and here they are:
The Question was posed: When is the appropriate time to remove the exterior Christmas lights?
50% Believe that it should be by the 12th Day of Christmas
38% Believe it to be between Christmas and New Years
and 13% Opted for “Other” citing that it should be done in January, by the 31st or by Epiphany
We had 0 votes for “by Valentine’s day” (thank you) and we had 0 votes for leaving them up “year round” (thank you again, it’s nice to know that I don’t have any white trash reading my blog).
Now, on to today’s story. So this morning after my walk with BFD I came home and gave my husband a big kiss and hug and let him know how much I loved him! I should do that everyday but sometimes “life” gets in the way and I don’t always think about it. This morning was different. Half way through our walk I thought about getting home and hugging him as quickly as possible and here’s why. BFD has some dysfunction in her marriage and I don’t want to take sides but it’s hard not to when you hear her side, so I choose hers and the entire walk was spent talking about her husband and their issues.
I’m not going to go into details about her relationship, that’s not my story, that would be hers. I mention this scenario this morning because so much of what she said to me and so much of what she described reminded me of my horrible first marriage to Dumbass. The behavior that her husband is exhibiting, the maniacal way he’s spinning situations, the constant lies and denial, and his addictive personality made my stomach churn. I kept telling her that I knew how she felt and I meant it.
It brought back so many bad memories but it also made me realize what I have today. I would never compare MFH with Dumbass, there is no comparison. It’s been over 3 years since my emotional departure from Dumbass and I cannot ever imagine that I stayed in that relationship for as long as I did. To think back on some of the majorly fucked up (sorry, that’s the only word to describe it….I tried to think of others but they couldn’t hold a candle to that one) crap that he pulled on me makes me sick. I used to blame myself because I was pissed that I stuck it out for so long but today I’m just proud that I got out when I did.
It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, believe me I know but it’s also darkest before the dawn. It’s so hard to see that when your world is currently dark though. MFH has reminded me often that had it not been for me “sticking it out” we never may have met when we did. After a year and a half of marriage to a wonderful, honest, caring man I think that I may be taking him for granted. I expect that he’ll take care of certain things and he does. I expect that he’ll work hard, and he does. I expect that he’ll selflessly love me and my children, and he does. I live in a whole other world than the one I was in three years ago, this ones very bright.
So how do you tell someone that it’s okay to “walk toward the light” so to speak? In other words, I want to shake my friend and say “Don’t you hear yourself? You’re miserable, divorce him!!” She doesn’t need him, in fact he’s kind of a sponge. But then since I’ve been through a successful divorce maybe I’m biased. Maybe I’m the wrong person to talk to because I’m so quick to yell “GET RID OF HIM! DIVORCE THE DUMB SHIT!” Either way that’s kind of what I did, just more tactfully, kind of
So I came home from our walk with a heavy heart; hurting for my friend and hungering for the arms of my fabulous husband. And now I realize that I should make yet another New Years Resolution, but this is one I’ll keep: I resolve to tell my husband daily (okay a more realistic time-frame may be weekly) how much he is appreciated and loved. (BTW MFH, if you’re reading this it doesn’t apply to “Flag Football”!!!! read blog post from 11/17/08 )
And now I must work!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bad smell, college, friends, geeks, odor, offensive, personal hygiene, pungent, radio, scent, smell, stinky
This morning I was reminded of an incident that took place while I was in college. I was friends with a large group of very diverse people and we were all involved with the local college radio station. I was the News Director and had a couple of shows. One was a talk show the other a mid-day “All-request Friday” show. There were several other executive postions that were filled by other students and of course we filled all of the on-air slots as well. If you know anything about college radio then you know that it’s usually pretty raw, unscripted and not exactly professional, and the students that are involved are usually not the most professional either.
Most of the executive positions were filled by vote and all of the station members were given the opportunity to nominate and vote for the best person to hold various duties. We weren’t paid we just got the glory and recognition of being local radio personalities and we thought we were pretty cool. In reality I think that we were the most eclectic mix of mismatched students to walk the school campus and many of us were pretty geeky. I’m not saying that I was geeky (of course not), just that there were quite a few people associated with the radio station that would be considered “geeks”. (Kind of like the audio/visual club geeks from high school…..get it? They transitioned well into college radio!)
So during my Sophomore year there was only one person who wanted and was nominated for the more complex position of Station Manager. His name was Mike. Mike was a really nice guy and he was perfect for the job. He had “High School Audio/Visual Club” written all over him and he was not only flattered that we would nominate him and vote him in but he was also extremely proud to take on the role of Station Manager (and we were way to nice to tell him that he only got the job because no one else wanted it).
As nice and as hard-working and as wonderful as Mike was he had one fatal flaw……he may have had more but this was the only one we saw, or rather smelled because it was so overwhelming that it was hard not to notice. He smelled, BAD. The problem was that Mike was a smoker and I was also convinced that he wasn’t a friend of the laundromat. Oh, and he wore the same jeans jacket every day, and maybe the same jeans but no one ever asked so we’re not positive about his pants. Combine the smell of smoke with the smell of a daily worn jeans jacket that may never have seen a washing machine and you have a recipe for disaster. The real problem was that while we could smell this pungent odor, he could not.
It truly was an offensive odor and since no one ever said anything about it, I thought that I must have super human smell ability! Then one evening while I was sitting around with a group of friends from the station the “Mike Smells Talk” occurred. Mike wasn’t there so it was a great opportunity to get it out in the open. We all sat in disbelief as each one of us ripped on Mike about how horrible he smelled. Everyone went on and on with stories that included having to be in the sound room with him (a small 5X5 room) for hours, to leaving meetings early and coming up with lies in an effort to get away from him. He was clueless! So we devised a plan whereby my friend Janelle would take Mike aside and tell him as kindly as possible that he needed to do something about his odiferousness (my made up word). They were really good friends and I’m pretty sure that he wanted to be more than just her friend so Janelle was the best person for the job, hands down.
She reported back a few days later that her conversation with Mike had been a fabulous success. She gave him great suggestions as to how to get cleaned up and stay clean. She was comprehensive in her conversation to include what detergent to use, how to do laundry, how not to smoke in confined places etc. She was thorough and Mike took it all very well. She convinced him that this was not anything that had been publicly discussed (lie) and that talking to him was all her idea (lie X 2).
Mike’s transformation was noticeable. The following week is was apparent that he had taken Janelle’s advice. He smelled “decent”, had bought new cologne, was non offensive and we were all very pleased with our friend…..but that was short lived. Eventually the odor returned and our group rallied Janelle to the rescue one more time but it was in vain. She felt that she had done all that she could and aside from offering to do his laundry for him none of us could come up with another option, Mr. Stinky was back and more pungent than ever, with the new scent of Polo to attempt to mask what could never be contained.
I swear to you, I can still recall that smell and that was 18 years ago. After reading what I’ve written I have to wonder whatever happened to Mike; what did he do after college? What career path did he follow? Did he marry and have little Mr. Stinkies? Most importantly did he ever clean up his act for good, start doing laundry on a regular basis and give up smoking forever?? Fear has trapped me from finding the answers to my questions……the fear that I may smell that smell again if I go looking, and it’s really not worth knowing!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: aging, Billy Idol, crush, David Letterman, Facebook, idol worship, MTV, rock, teenagers
I started thinking about this earlier today when I noticed that my daughter had become a fan of Joe Jonas on her Facebook page, and that made me smile. He’s such a wholesome looking young man. Nothing like Billy.
It was a different time almost 25 years ago……holy shit, it was that long ago. MTV was actually music television and videos rolled 24/7. That’s when it happened. Idol worshipping began with “Flesh for Fantasy” and “Rebel Yell”. Billy Idol had the bad boy persona down to an art form and I was all over it! Then Rolling Stone came out with a Centerfold of the bad man wearing a leather thong. It pictured him from behind, glancing over his shoulder with his magically famous sneer and I thought I would pass out at the site of those perfect butt cheeks staring at me, daring me to slap them. The image was almost more than I could handle at 14, and just thinking about it again makes me a little weak-kneed! (Dad if you’re reading this, I’m sorry)
Billy Idol
During his rise to fame Billy Idol made an appearance as a guest on late Night with David Letterman. You could have knocked me over with a feather…….the site of Billy Idol, wearing all leather, including the leather vest WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH; and the way he sat in the chair, slouched down like it was no big deal to be on Dave’s show….he was uber cool! Then he did it, he took his hand and rubbed his chest with it…………..
Bad Boy Billy
When I finally came back to consciousness, Dave was asking Billy about drugs. Apparently there were pills on the street with names of Billy Idol songs. He said something like “I understand there are street pills known as white weddings…” and Billy’s response was typical. With that give-a-shit sneer he simply responded “Yeah”. Then Dave said “You must be a very proud young man!” and I thought that was very disrespectful of Dave to say, he was obviously making fun of the man I worshipped and that was wrong.
Then came Money, Money (like moanie, moanie) and my Idol worship ended. I hated that song, I still hate that song. I’m not sure why but I think that part of it was that deep down I knew that Billy Idol singing a cover tune would be the end of his career, and I was pretty much right.
25 years is a long time and Billy is showing serious signs of aging. I would like to think that it’s just aging but there’s no doubt that years of hard living and drug use have taken their toll on him. I have to wonder what FD will think of her teenage crush in 25 years. Of course her “idol” is wholesome and wears a chastity belt…..so he’ll probably age gracefully. But me? Nope, I had to choose the bad boy of 80’s rock, and look at him now 
Yikes, Billy Now
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: blog, blogging, disappointed, disappointment, panty, perverts, readers, words
I’ve been blogging for a few months now. It’s working, it’s very therapeutic and that was the intention. But what I enjoy most about my wordpress blog is that they have a lot of information behind the scenes for the person who administers the blog. There are lots of tools to change the look of the site, settings to add content, and of course I could have a plethora of pages if needed. The best back stage feature however is the blog stats page.
On a daily basis I can go into the stats and find out how many people viewed my site, where they came from, what search terms they used that got them to my blog, etc. So far there have been 36 postings with 193 tags to draw people to read the posts, and there have been 24 comments made on my various posts. For whatever reason the busiest day for traffic was December 1, 2008, I think that it had something to do with the OSU vs. UO Civil War game but I’m not sure since the tag lines that brought people to the site were all over the place!
The reason I’m sharing this with you, my loyal readers, is that I had to alert you to the fact that there has been one outstanding word that has attracted readers to my blog and has me asking “Who reads this stuff? Are they surprised by what they read when they get here and are they horribly disappointed?” I can only hypothesize that the same person is not using this one word to get to my blog which leads me to be a little more concerned with our society then I used to be. Here’s the word: Panty.
That’s right; almost daily I can see that someone has typed in the search word panty and is directed to my blog. I know that our society is a bit perverted but PANTY? Geez, I write one little post about Victoria’s Secret underwear giving women rashes and now people searching the web using the word panty are directed to my blog! Whatever floats your boat. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised though, when I originally told BroRy about my blog and the name that I had chosen for it the first thought that came to his mind was that this was some sort of strangely named porn site! Maybe I should change the name to I’m Surrounded by Perverts!!
**As a side note, after I finished the above post I used my spell checker to repair any misspellings. The funny thing is that it doesn’t recognize the word panty!**
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: addiction, Blackberry, cell phone, e-mail, freedom, funny, lisp, President, speech, withdrawl
I cannot conceive of being without my Blackberry. I finally purchased it last month and already I’m addicted, hence the term Crackberry! I can totally relate to President Obama’s begging and pleading with the Secret Service to allow him to keep his Crackberry, I think that I would be lost without it, but it’s too painful to even think about that possibility.
I mention this because my Blackberry device allows me so much freedom. I was able to take an overnight business trip to Seattle last week and I did not have to pack my laptop because I was able to retrieve all of my e-mails via this amazing device. It’s also very handy in meetings. I can access the Internet and the information that I need to share with my clients via my Blackberry. It’s truly a genius set-up and I wish I had gotten to know it sooner.
There is one drawback to being so connected and here it is. Last week while I was in a meeting I noticed that I missed a call from BFF J. Soon after the missed call there came a text message from her. The message stated “Did you know that Ron Widen has a lateral lisp?” This message may leave many people wondering who Ron Widen is and what the heck does him having a lateral lisp have to do with anything? However, you must realize that BFF J knows that this particular speech impediment is one that I can mimic as though I was born with the problem, and when I do it, it sends people into hysterics (I’m going straight to you-know-where for that!)…..and just an FYI, Ron Widen is our Democrat state Senator (and he’s not my favorite, nor my choice). So upon reading this text message, while in a meeting where my attention was to be directed at the speaker, I bust out laughing…….which I then tried to disguise as an out of control cough and then I excused myself.
So it’s as though I’m having to learn the fine art of self-control all over again. Even though I can access information and e-mails 24/7 it doesn’t mean that I have to. MFH keeps reminding me of that fact when the message indicator goes off in the middle of the night. What’s worse is when I set it on the headboard and it vibrates; but that’s only happened once and MFH got so excited (and you can guess what happened next!). Needless to say I have had to ban the Blackberry from our bedroom.
So there are benefits and there are drawbacks but when weighed out the benefits have it, hands down. It’s just too convenient to be connected and available all the time……unless I don’t want to be available, in which case I would have to actually turn off the phone and then there would be this ugly withdrawl and syptoms could include tremors, night sweats and I may even throw up…….so I guess I’ll just keep using…..my Blackberry!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Arizona, Cardinals, football, God, Pittsburgh, points, prediction, Steelers, Superbowl
I’m not much for professional football, I prefer college football. For me the Superbowl is all about the commercials, the food, the beer….you get the picture. I tell MFH that it’s about the money. College football is about the glory and the potential, they’re not playing for money (per say), professional football is about the money! Either way, we attended church this morning and it got my mind wondering. If God liked football, who would he want to see win today’s big game? So then I thought about breaking it down this way:
Cardinals: I know that the mascot is actually a bird but Catholics have “Cardinals” too. Score one point for the Cards.
Steelers: The 7th Commandment is “Thou shalt not steal”. Okay, it’s not the same as “steel” (I get that, it’s a metal) but it’s close enough so score another point for the Cardinals.
Cardinals: Based in Arizona, a place that God must really smile upon because the weather is always beautiful and hot. Another point for the Cards.
Steelers: Have you been to Pittsburgh? I don’t want to offend anyone but someone once described it to me as the armpit of America, need I say more. Yet another point for the Cardinals.
Cardinals: A beautiful bird, one of God’s beautiful creatures. Point.
Steelers: Not quite as graceful as a bird, but heavy duty, strong and useful. I’ll give a point to the Steelers for that one.
So, when we add it all up, it’s Cardinals 5, Steelers 1. That’s my prediction: Cardinals will win…..but unless I’m completely crazy 5 to 1 isn’t an actual football score so we’ll say that there will be 4 points difference in the final score, with the Cardinals to win. Plus, red’s a better color on me
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bank, bankers, banks, borrowers, crazy, customer service, death, frusteration, hair, hardship, loan, loan modification, loss mitigation, owe, real estate, Realtor, short sale
Before I get started I would just like to say that I am truly amazed by my Superbowl prediction (read the previous post)! I called the point spread….just for the other team. Minor details, oh well.
I’m going bald. I’m 38 and I’m going bald. At first I thought I had a vitamin deficiency but after the conversation that I had with a bank employee today I realized that it’s not a vitamin deficiency at all. Turns out that I spend about 2 hours every day literally ripping my hair out from the roots due to the incredible and often subhuman conversations that I have with bank employees! It’s maddening and has now left me hairless.
WHY, you ask, am I even talking to these people? Well, because the real estate market has shifted and I have had to shift my business right along with it. As awful as it sounds (and it is truly awful) I have so many clients that are in either a state of financial crisis, divorce, death or all of the above! I kid you not, I’ve seen it all. And most of these people have contracted with me to facilitate a short sale, which in layman’s terms means that I attempt to negotiate with the banks on my clients behalf to sell the home for less than what is owed on the property…..and sometimes it’s a lot less.
This morning I spent 15 minutes on hold with a bank prior to even getting a human voice. This is not altogether unheard of. When I finally spoke to someone, this is how the conversation went: (the names and information have been changed to protect the innocent)
Bank: Can I have your loan number please?
Me: 2849573894
Bank: Can you verify the address?
Me: 17846 SW Whogivesadamn Street, Nowhere
Bank: Can you give me the name of the borrower and their social security number?
Me: I gave it
Bank: What can I do for you today Mr. Brown?
Me: Well, first off, I’m not Mr. Brown.
Bank: oh I’m so sorry (and they always have a southern drawl). To whom am I speaking?
Me: This is Mr. Brown’s Realtor, well actually not Mr. Brown’s because see, he’s deceased so I’m the Realtor for the personal representative for the estate.
Bank: (obviously thrown way off by my last statement) Well ma’am (southern drawl again), would you like to speak with our loan modification department…..blah, blah, blah.
Me: WWWWooooooohhhw, stop talking. Did you not just hear what I said? The borrower is deceased and you want to send me to the loan modification department? HE’S DEAD! Can you modify a loan for a dead person? Shit, you can’t give a loan to a live person but you’ll modify the loan of a dead person??
That’s right, I lost it. It wasn’t long after that that I requested a transfer to the loss mitigation department and was placed on perma-hold again, only to have the line answered by another “customer no service” rep who was kind enough to place me on hold again in an effort to get the department that I needed and she stayed with me until they answered. She was the only normal person that I spoke to, and I miss her.
After I had been funneled through the phone system for the zillionth time I finally connected with Gayle in Loss Mitigation. While there I was able to explain the borrowers dilemma (remember, he’s dead) and then I requested her requirements for a short sale package given these circumstances, citing that I actually had offers to present to them. Amazingly enough Gayle, a woman who undoubtedly takes these calls all day long attempted to read the requirements from a script. I know this because if she had heard me tell her that the borrower was deceased, she never would have asked me to have my client present a “hand written hardship letter”.
I laughed so hard I peed my pants. What was I going to do, have his body exhumed and take his lifeless skeletal hand and hold a pen in it, ever so delicately, and beg it to come back to life in an effort to write a letter to the bank to explain why he couldn’t make his payments?????????? Seriously people, get a clue!
Obviously fed up with me and my attitude and not knowing what to do next, Gayle suggested that I simply send a copy of the death certificate. I obliged.
So do you see where I’m at? It’s not a good place, and that was only the first half hour of a very long day. I’m riding full steam ahead on the crazy train and I was just promoted to engineer. There is only one positive that will come out of all of this madness: since I’ll have no hair left I should be able to save about $100 on my cut, color, and style every month! Can anyone recommend a good wig shop?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anger, banks, capital one, credit card, customer service, customers, government, India
Oh my goodness! That was 28 minutes and 32 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back, and I would really like it back. I just spoke with a very nice customer no-service representative from India (I’m speculating on that but I have no doubt that I’m accurate) who was able to resolve the issue that I had with my (now former) credit card company that shall remain nameless (Capital One).
Back in December I closed my account. I wasn’t unhappy with the company, I just got a better deal elsewhere and they didn’t want to keep me as a customer since they very clearly denied my request to give me the same offer that the new company was giving me. At the time I placed the call, I also paid the account in full, or so I thought, was told, and had my payment confirmed.
Today I made a simple phone call. I am doing my business taxes and this is my business credit card account. I miss-placed (I’m a disorganized mess…..until this year because that was a resolution that I’ll keep) several of my statements and I needed them to reference purchases. Apparently after closing my account I am now also denied access to my online account so I called to get copies of the missing statements sent to me. After punching in the account number, last four of my social, my home phone number and the birth date of my first born (sarcasm) I was given the account balance. WHAT??? What account balance, I was paid in full, right?!?#@&?!?*
I almost felt sorry for Ravi, or Depok, or Rohit, or whatever the F*** his name was because I was pissed, and that’s putting it mildly. For those of you who know me you know that I’m not painting a pretty picture. That poor guy didn’t know what hit him and worse, that wasn’t even the reason for my phone call in the first place….remember, I needed his help.
I think I know now why the customer service jobs have been sent overseas. There’s no way on God’s green earth that a rep in this country would have taken my outrage. I came unglued when he told me what the charges were for. I won’t bore you with those details, suffice it to say they were completely bogus. You should be proud of me though, I stopped short of cussing and that is very hard for me! This guy kept his composure, his voice was steady and calm and he kept apologizing…..which I think only upset me more. He finally got his supervisor on the phone after I said “If you’re so sorry why don’t you reverse the charges, duh???”
So then it was on to the next unsuspecting, very nice and very calm customer no-service supervisor representative who broke down the charges, again….adding more fuel to the fire since this was something I was already fully aware of. So he finally asked me “What would you like us to do for you today?” to which I replied”I want you to reverse the charges and show my account balance at zero, which is what it should be!” and he sais “So you would like us to reverse the charges and show your account balance at zero, is that correct?” at which point I threw my hands in the air and said “YES!”
And he did it, and I was stunned, and now I’m feeling a little like I should apologize for my rude behavior because after all these gentlemen have been nothing but nice and fully accommodating. I can’t blame them, it’s the banks, they’re the crooks…..these guys were just the lackeys who make minimum wage while their big fat cat CEO’s and VP’s and Officers and whatever other overpaid blowhards sit in their high rise office towers waiting for their bonus money from the federal government…..phew, I need a prosac.
And you’re asking what the charges were? $25.28, but it’s the principal of it! So now I’m going to take that money and sign up for anger management classes.
What is it with men and holes? This is not what you think so don’t get too excited. MFH has an obsession with holes and I know that he’s not the only man.
We have a home office that is set up in a strange way. When we merged houses I had the less superior dining room table (or so I was told) and so we use that as our desk. It’s wide enough so that we have our monitors set up back to back and can see each other(when peering around our monitors) and interact when we need to. I just caught him digging at his ear, and he does this all the time. He’s like an annoying cocker spaniel whose owners are constantly telling it to stop picking, playing, scratching and digging at it’s ears!
Almost daily I catch him digging at his ears. Most of the time he uses his finger nail but every so often it’s a car key…..which I understand is very effective. Tonight I watched him use a paperclip and I know that can’t be good.
I remember ages ago when Dick Van Dyke was schlepping Q-tips and had that goofy TV commercial where he reminded us all to not “put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow”. Have you ever tried putting your elbow in your ear? I did, after I saw that commercial! I remember saying to my mother “that is the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard! You can’t put your elbow in your ear!” to which my mother replied “that’s the idea, hello.” It took me several years to figure out what she meant by that but I’ve got it now.
So I shared this little tid bit of wisdom with MFH, to which he replied “yeah, I remember that commercial. It was stupid.” But I felt that it was my wifely duty to remind him that he could poke his eardrum out…..and then I remembered that he’s half deaf anyway so I’m not sure that it would matter.
So back to the whole idea of men being obsessed with holes. I think that the general theory is “if you can poke it, do.” Yikes, that’s not safe!
Oh by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: butt, dipstick, England, fag, funny, generation gap, offensive, rainbow, rubber, sex, sex education, verbal, words, words. generation
I know that I’m going to catch an enormous amount of grief over the name of this post but let me explain. This post is about verbal misconceptions, which I find totally hysterical!
Earlier this evening I was having a conversation with a friend. We were discussing the fact that her 10 year old, 4th grade son was coming home from school with some questions about sex. Well, not necessarilysex but things that were potentially sexual in nature. In fact I was seriously thrown over by the use of the word “Rainbow”. After she explained what it meant in a sexual way I just about fell over laughing! Who comes up with this stuff?? Some over fantasized, over sexualized kid who’s parents aren’t monitoring the internet! I won’t repeat what it was, you could probably google it and find out. Suffice it to say there’s no way that it’s happening in the 4th grade, or even in the 8th. I’m betting it ain’t happening in the 12th grade or beyond because I don’t know more than 2 women who would even conceive of having so many different colors of lipstick, let alone 6 women who would have one of any of the colors of the rainbow……..get it? It’s not happening.
But that made me think……what other words do we come across that have the potential to offend and often carry a double meaning, very often so unexamined that most people don’t know anything but the literal and/or original meaning? Here are a few:
Fag: Okay, we know it as the very politically incorrect term for a homosexual but that’s not how I know it. In fact when I was living in England this was the term used to describe a cigarette…..which is offensive because it can kill!
Dipstick: Isn’t this the term that Boss Hog used all the time in The Dukes of Hazard to describe his idiot sidekick? The other day my friend told me that her daughter is taking driving lessons and she was learning about the engine. She came home from class and proclaimed “Hey mom! Did you know that there is really something that’s called a dipstick??” I wet my pants with laughter.
Douche Bag: This is a seriously offensive term but when you examine what an actual douche bag is then it shouldn’t be so offensive. After all, it’s a cleanser, and a natural one at that. So who thought up this brilliant term for a jerk? Were they thinking “I’m going to call you a vaginal cleanser because you’re such a jerk!” That’s a little strange, don’t you agree?
Blow Job vs. Blow Off: Yikes, I’m at risk for getting tagged now. I’m not going to explain a blow job. Suffice it to say if you’ve ever asked a bartender for one they won’t slap you, it’s a rather tasty shot. (Yikes, reading that back sounds even worse). I also almost got slapped when I told my dad that my friend “blew me off” when I was in high school. Geez, he about came out of his skin. It was all I could do to reassure him that it wasn’t the same thing as……well, you know.
Butt: I’ll bet you think you know the meaning of this word but you’re wrong. It’s another term for a cigarette, in England. Remember the movie “Back to the Future”? When I lived in England I went to see it in the movie theater. Biff called McFly a “Butthead” and I cracked up laughing! I was the only person in the entire theater that laughed. See “Cigarettehead” is not funny, at all.
Eraser vs. Rubber: Now this is crazy! In the UK, an eraser is a rubber and in the US a rubber is an eraser! Get it? One is a contraceptive, the other is a writing tool. If I have to explain it, call me.
AND I haven’t even touched on the “cool words” like : MINT, RAD, FAB, and COOL! What about going “STEADY”! That’s for another post, another day!
So at the risk of getting too wordy, you get my point right? I’m not so concerned with offending people with language as much as offending them with actions. Remember this saying: “I’m rubber and you’re glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!”? That could hurt! Or how about “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words (or names) will never hurt me”? They should have added “but don’t throw sticks and stones anyway!”
Either way words are words and tomorrow the next generation is going to come up with another colorful and inventive word for some sexual act/fantasy/illegal substance/jerk name and I choose to laugh because there’s no way on God’s green earth that whatever they come up with hasn’t been used before, in a different way with a different meaning. Suffice it to say….Bring it on!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bubble, college, divorce, dreams, gossip, kids, military, police, small town
Someone wise and smart once noted: “The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.” Amen. I live in what was once considered a small town but although it’s grown substantially since I moved here 15 years ago, it has still managed to maintain a small town mentality and identity. That has it’s pluses and it’s negatives as you might imagine!
A few of the plusses include knowing where the kids are most of the time and what they’re up to, knowing enough people around town to always be in the know about local businesses, knowing the local police officers (that can be a negative too!), and finding out who’s doing what (a.k.a. gossip).
The kids really can’t get away with much around here. I find out from other moms when my son’s been in trouble on the bus and I hear about who his latest “girlfriend” is (if you can call them that at 12). When they tell me they’re going to be someplace it’s easy to run into them out and about…..it’s a small town and they generally have to walk or bike wherever they go. I think that it’s pretty safe and I know that we’re very lucky to live in this sheltered bubble. But then again I worry because I know that the real world outside of our bubble isn’t that safe and isn’t so pretty. That’s okay, college will straighten them out…..or better yet, the military.
Now, on to the negatives of living in a small town where everyone knows your buisness. This one’s my favorite: running into people who like to tell me that they ran into my ex-husband at the bar. I never hear of them running into him anywhere else…..that’s odd. I hate that. Or how about this one: there is no such thing as a silent/quiet divorce in a small town! I’m not the only person to have had that experience and since it would seem that half of the town is doing it these days it just becomes depressing to find out that people I knew well, partied with, whose children attended the same pre-school as mine are now in financial distress and divorce. YUCK!
MFH and I have talked a lot about leaving. Given the economy I would pack it all up and move to some other country in a heartbeat but then reality takes a baseball bat and hits me in the head and the idea is gone as fast as it came. Every time I think “FLEE, RUN, FASTER…..FASTER!!” I hit that brick wall that I like to call my children and I’m reminded that they need the stability of the small town environment in these most unstable of times.
So I guess we’ll be here for another 7 years or so. Long enough to hope for a housing market rebound and for the kids to be off at college. Then we’ll pack up and high tail it to an exotic island in the Carribean……or Mexico maybe! I doubt that will happen but one can dream!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: birthdays, cigarettes, daughters, Dr. Laura, friends, girls, kids, mistakes, parenting, priorities, smoking, stupidity, teenagers
Tomorrow FD turns 14.I can’t believe it, seriously, I cannot believe that I have a 14 year old…..who’s half an inch taller than me, and I’m not short! It got me thinking about all of the stupid stuff I did at her age, and it made me very thankful that I’m a much more involved parent than CAM ever was (but this is not about CAM!).
By the time I reached the age of 14 I had already tried my first cigarette (and that’s all I’m telling you about). I will NEVER forget this story, mainly because I learned what an incredible idiot I was. I was about 12 or 13 and CAM was always working all the time, she didn’t get home until late. My friend Lisa was planning on coming over after school and when we got home she produced a cigarette that she had stolen from her mom. We really had no idea what to do with it but we were so excited we couldn’t stand it! Since we were so afraid that someone would see us, we decided that the best place to try this cancer stick would be in my bathroom, window open, fan on……that should take care of the smell right? Wrong. CAM came home about 2 hours after we had lit up and she could smell it from the front door to the back of the house. I was toast, as usual. Funny thing was that her ranting was so normal that I think I took to tuning her out really well. I’ve repressed the memories of the punishments……that’s not a joke, I seriously don’t remember what happened even though I know I was punished!
My point is that with everything that the kids are being taught in school there is no way that FD would even think about trying a smoke. The schools have these kids scared so straight I am amazed. And I’m not the only mom that feels this way. When I talk to other moms about what we did at this age versus what our girls are doing now we all laugh and thank God that we’re able to keep better track of our kids. And maybe that’s why we do it. CAM didn’t make me a priority and most of my other friends had moms that worked and simply trusted that the kids would be okay and stay out of trouble. But for those of us that got into trouble we’re so knowledgeable about what the kids could be doing that we’ve made a conscious effort to be home when the kids get home from school or volunteer in the classroom or get to know our kids’ friends parents or install home alarm systems in an effort to keep the kids in (not burglars out)!
Either way I’m thankful for the fact that the schools are doing a great job with drug and tobacco education, that there are people like Dr. Laura who aren’t afraid to tell people that kids are the priority, NOT careers and I’m mostly thankful for the knowledge that I gained through my own stupidity. My hope is that my children learn from my mistakes and that they benefit from my knowledge of what NOT to do! Well, one can hope!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: beer, clothes, corned beef, green, Irish, nuts, pinch, pinching, St. Patrick's Day
I wish it was St. Patrick’s Day at least once a week, but only due to the food. I can do without EVERYTHING turning green. Corned beef and cabbage with boiled potatoes is one of my absolute favorite meals and it really should be enjoyed more than one time a year. The only problem that I have with this particular “holiday” is the color associated with it, for other than my eyes I have NOTHING green to wear.
Now I say that but then of course I do actually have some green jackets and one t-shirt (thanks to the fact that I am a fan of Oregon Duck Football) however they’re not really appropriate attire for work. I was the only person in the office today without something green on my body but then again it really doesn’t flatter my skin tone so why would I spend my hard earned money on clothing that doesn’t flatter my color??
This morning FS came upstairs after getting dressed. He had on his usual, less than appropriate gym shorts and t-shirt (it was 40 degrees outside). I noticed that he didn’t have any green on and so I observed this out loud exclaiming ”Son, you’re not wearing any green! Do you want to get pinched?” Completely unaffected he turned to me and said “so what?” and then proceeded to find a green sticker and slap it on his shirt. That made me think about the comment that I made because I’m pretty sure that pinching someone could land you a harassment citation, or worse, a lawsuit! This is the part of the story where I go nuts over our litigious society and how overly sensitive people can be about the possibility of a pinch that they may incur due to the lack of green clothing that may be visible to the pincher on this ONE day out of 365 a year!
Anyway, I wore no green clothing today. Not even undies; and when I was kid that was the famous excuse we all used if we didn’t have green clothes, “NO! You can’t pinch me because I’m wearing green underpants so HA!” I am honestly sad to tell you that not one person even so much as threatened a pinch. I fear for the direction that our society is headed. It would appear that in our political correctness we have lost the identity of the famous St. Patrick’s Day pinch. This makes me very sad.
Oh well, I’ll get over it with help of green beer, cheers!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bike, bruise, clumsy, fall, funny, humor, hurt, husband, Jupiter, kids, lazy, trash, Uranus
Last Friday morning I took a pretty bad fall……because I’m klutzy and that’s what I do!
I had just returned from my early morning walk and noticed that FS never took the trash out to the curb the night before. This is his chore, every Thursday, and he knows this, but he’s lazy! It was still pretty dark out and I wasn’t paying attention as I backed out the trash can and as I was backing up I tripped over FS’s bike which was lying on the driveway, which isn’t suppose to be lying on the driveway, which he knows, but he’s lazy!! Strike 2.
As I began to go down I attempted to steady myself with the trash can which was a really stupid idea because it has wheels and that really only proved to make matters worse bacause it ended up coming down with me and landed on top of me, with me landing on top of the bike.
I have failed to mention what type of bike I’m talking about. This bike is a dirt bike, it has pegs coming out of the middle of the wheels, one on each side (just like the pegs on the bike that Napoleon Dynamite had on his bike when Pedro rode the pegs, remember?). These are very strong steel pegs that stick out about 4 inches off of the wheel and when the bike is on the ground, on it’s side, as it was when I fell on it……..well you can imagine where I landed.
Now had I landed about 4 inches further to the right I would have created a new oraface with which to crap out of (sorry to be so crass) but in this case I managed to land my left butt cheek squarely on that peg and I cannot begin to tell you the pain that ran through my ass at that moment.
I laid in that position for about a minute. Me on top of the bike with the trash can on top of me…..this surely was not a good look. I was halfway hoping that someone would come along and help me up and then again I was halfway hoping that no one saw the whole fiasco, although if they had I probably would have to help them off the ground because they would be there writhing in pain from the laughter!
It didn’t take long for the color to appear. When I was finally able to crawl my sandwiched ass out of that mess I came into the house to look at my butt. MFH heard me cursing a blue streak all the way to the bathroom and followed me in to see what had happened. As I removed my sweatpants I saw that the bruise had already formed and it wasn’t going to be pretty. By day 2 I announced to MFH that my bruise was the “color and size of Jupiter” to which he replied “No honey, it’s more like Uranus”…….he thinks he’s funny.
Long story short, FS gets no allowance because he failed to do his chore and care for his bike and MFH now has a bruise just like mine, from where I kicked him after the “Uranus” crack! (not really, he doesn’t bruise as easily as me)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: care, Chuck E. Cheese, daughter, doctors, drugs, funny, girls, horses, injury, kids, laughter, mother, nurses, surgery
I am a complete mess! I’m typing with my left hand only and my brain is going much faster than my hand can work and it’s making me nuts!!
Yesterday I had surgery on my right arm/elbow to repair a torn tendon. The injury occurred last July when i fell off of a horse, but on the advice of my primary care doctor (who diagnosed me with tennis elbow) I suffered through therapy and a shot. When the shot wore off I bypassed my doctor and went directly to a specialist who gave me a proper diagnosis and wa-la, I have a 70-90% chance that I’ll be all better, eventually.
But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about my FD. How could this have anything to do with FD you ask? Well, my biggest fear with this surgery was I had to go under anesthesia and that reminded of the time that FD got her adenoids removed.
She was only 5 years old and had been having chronic ear infections since she was 2 months old. After years of antibiotics I reached a boiling point, insisting that her pediatrician send her to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. He did and it was determined that the tonsils were fine but the adenoids had to go and she would be fitted with tubes to help her ear drums drain. This is a pretty standard procedure so we weren’t too worried, just happy that she would find relief!
The day of the surgery we arrived at the hospital. Both of my kids are pretty brave but FD is the most stoic, she wasn’t worried at all. The nurses were wonderful and took us both to the day surgerical prep room so that I could help her get into her gown. I kept assuring her that she would be fine and she kept telling ME that I had nothing to worry about and that she was fine. I reminded her again about our “deal’…..when she was all better I would take her to see the Italian rodent (aka: Chuck E. Cheese).
After she was prepped the nurse brought in a little shot glass of pink juice (happy medicine) and asked me to get her to drink it all down. I was told that this medicine was to help her “relax”, I didn’t know that she was getting high before my very eyes until she mentioned “Mommy, you have three heads”. “Really?” I responded, “and how many fingers am I holding up?” As I showed only one she responded that there were three! I began to chuckle which made her chuckle which made me laugh which made her laugh which made me cry and made her stop and say “wasso funnnnyyy?” which made me split my side open!
At this point the surgical nurse arrived and saw tears streaming down my face. She was so calm and caring when she tried to comfort what she thought was a mother in fear for her child’s life. She tried to tell me that “everything will be alright. This is a routine procedure and we’ll take very good care of your daughter.” As you can imagine this only made me laugh harder, which the nurse mistook for sobbing wails. I could hardly catch my breath enough to tell her that I was in hysterics because FD was higher than a kite and I hadn’t expected that at all! The nurse was not amused by this (apparently they come into contact with more crying parents than laughing) and she whisked my daughter away for her surgery.
She did great that morning! She was only in surgery for about an hour and when they came to the waiting room to bring me to see her the nurses were gushing about how great she was. they told me that most children wake up frightened but not FD, she woke up and announced “Now I get to go to Chuck E. Cheese!” The nurses were pretty impressed by that.
So I’m not going to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon and it will be awhile before I go riding again….I think I like having the use of my right arm more than I like horses! When FD came home from school yesterday to see me laying in bed with my arm immobile and wrapped with a brace she was glad to see that I was OKand helped me get pillows to prop it up with. She’s 14 now and the tables have turned; I may need her more than she needs me or perhaps we’re even now. Either way we enjoy sharing funny memories like this one and I enjoy watching her grow into an amazing young woman!
