Happy Halloween!
This is typically one of my favorite days of the year, and for it to wind up on a Friday…..well that my friends is a bonus. One small problem has emerged however…….I have nothing to wear! OK, two small problems, I still don’t have pumpkins; another great “mother of the year award” moment for me. I hope the local grocery store still has some in stock.
So I’ve gone over the litany of choices in my closet and here’s what I can be for Halloween this year:
- Duck Fan (that would be fan of the Oregon Duck’s).
- Prom Queen….no wait I loaned that dress to my friend so that she and her boyfriend could go as an 80’s couple. Scratch that one.
- A Hooker…..there’s some insight as to what it’s MY closet.
- A Bag Lady……more insight.
- A Runner……hey, those sweats still have the price tags on them!
- A Nun
That’s right, a nun costume hangs in my closet. I’ve worn it for the last two years and now it looks like I may have to dust it off in an effort to look like I put some thought into my costume for this year’s party. I suppose I could spice it up a bit……maybe go as a pregnant nun, or a half dead nun, or even wear something really inappropriate underneath and go as a slutty nun but in all reality, I’m concerned for my salvation should I continue to mock the nuns and really piss off God! I don’t want to go to hell after all.
What kind of a Halloween costume is a nuns habit anyway? What is Halloween all about? I’ve educated myself on this question and here’s what I found out: Halloween began as a Celtic (Irish) tradition started by the Druids who believed that the spirits of the dead could come out one day a year. I’m not going to go into details about how it came to be the day that it is today because the fact that it grew out of Ireland, a country that has had a Protestant/Catholic war of sorts going on for many years stopped me in my tracks!
I’ve heard all kinds of stories about the nuns in private schools. Bill O’Reilly is always talking about the nuns, and sometimes it’s nice but other times he’s talking about how mean they can be. AND if they can be mean, then maybe, just maybe me wearing a nun costume is SCARY and in a strange way….appropriate!!??! After all, there are a lot of Catholics in Ireland, the birthplace of Halloween, and it’s a proven fact that nuns can be scary.
That settles it, I’ll be a nun……..again!
Is it getting hot in here?
My BFF J and I along with our hubbies went to a party last Saturday night. It was a house warming party with a Fall/Halloween theme. The invitation (an e-vite….which I love!) was simple yet elegant and inviting. We were all looking forward to celebrating our friends’ new home.
BFF J is ALWAYS on time, so naturally we were the first people to show up at the party. The house was very cute, the food was very yummy, and the drinks were flowing very freely. After about an hour and a half there was quite a nice sized group that had gathered in the kitchen and family room area…..which is away from the front door and out of view of the entryway. BFF J had gone into the front room to check out the food but was distracted when the she heard a knock at the door. Always helpful, BFF J answered it and was startled to see a couple standing before her in full Halloween costume glory!! Painted faces, costumes, the works!
“Are you sure you’re at the right house?” BFF J asks.
Now, since we were out of sight range there were no witnesses to this but according to BFF J the lady (we think her costume was that of a butcher gone psycho), turns to the man and says “I thought you said this was a costume party?!” She states this with what can only be described as a “death stare”. Then she turns back and says to BFF J “Please don’t laugh at us.” What else can you do?
BFF J keeps her composure and as the hostess of the party walks in to greet the guests they are silently ushered into the back bedroom where they can toss their costumes, wash off the make-up, and join the rest of the party as though nothing happened. That would have been the end of it except for the fact that BFF J came into the kitchen and shared this precious story with ME! AND, by this time I had enjoyed a couple of gin and tonics. Need I say more……I about wet my pants with laughter! The rest of the guests wanted to know what was so funny, and by the time the costume couple joined the party they would have been better off still wearing their costumes!!
So since this little episode I have come up with several options to be used in the event that you find yourself in this same predicament. Here is what you might consider saying when you find that you’re the only one wearing a costume at a non-costume party:
- Easy out: “We just came from another party and costumes were required!” (you could also say that you’re attending a party afterward and that’s your excuse to leave if the party is a bomb)
- To the hostess: “You look great as a witch…..nice nose!”
- When asked: “What costumes? We dress like this every day!”
- To a guest: “Where’s your costume? Didn’t you get the same invitation we did?”
- To anyone: “I dressed in costume to ensure my supply of candy…Trick or Treat?”
Obviously the unsuspecting couple had no time to think of these ideas but that’s ok. After joining the party the husband came over and hugged BFF J to say hello and thanks. As it turned out, he was the brother of the hostess and he knew my friend. As he pulled away he accidentally exacted his revenge……turns out he didn’t quite get all of the black face paint out of his beard and he left a nice big splotch of it on the shoulder of her cream colored sweater. I once again found myself in hysterics and I’m still laughing about that today!
HAPPY PARTYING!!
OK, maybe I’m the crazy one after all!!?? News channel 12 is coming over in one hour to test my children and I may have to turn in my “Mother of the Year” award because of it.
My friend Katie asked me to help her out. She’s a news writer for our local Fox affiliate and they are planning a show for the evening news for next month’s “sweeps week”. The idea is this: 1. No adults at home (I’ll be waiting down the street) 2. Have one of the guys from the studio come to the door of the home, ring the doorbell 3. See if the kids answer the door 4. Lesson learned: either I’m a good parent and the kids refuse to answer the door OR I’m doing a horrible job, they answer the door, admit that I’m gone then the news crew interviews me about what a horrible mother I am!!!! AARRGGHHH!
I’m having 2nd thoughts. Maybe in an effort to look like a good parent I should warn them about the impending “trickery”? OR maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s them and they should be grounded for answering the door when I’ve told them several times not to!! OR maybe it will teach them a lesson and scare them just enough that they’ll never do it again??!!
OR, maybe they will NOT answer the door and I will get to keep my “Mother of the Year” award………..we shall see.
Yesterday evening my fabulous husband (who will from this point forward be referred to as MFH) and I, took a drive down to visit my dad and his wife. They are not nuts, they are pretty normal……so that’s not where this story is going!
My Grandmother, my dad’s mother has been living in the same town as dad for about 3 years now. After grandpa died she stuck around the old neighborhood for a while but since she was getting on in years she began to need help. She has always been one of those people that when you talk with them on the phone they never ask you how you are………..they just keep talking about themselves…..you know the type, selfish. Well she’s getting even worse as she gets older and now she’s cranky and bratty…….kind of like my teenage daughter! So I started thinking about how my poor dad has to deal with his mother, who’s more like a bratty teenager (and he was suppose to be done with that 20 years ago!) than a “mom”. Here are some similarities that describe both my 13 year old daughter and my 87 year old granny:
They both:
- Are all about them! I know I mentioned this before, and it’s probably the most obvious, but it bears repeating!
- Can do things on their own, but expect to be waited on!
- Need a ride, everywhere!
- Are defiant!
- Are always complaining about some medical affliction (granny is worse of course)!
- Get an idea in their head that they will not let go of!
- ARE ALWAYS ON THE PHONE! (usually talking to whomever will listen).
- Are always wanting to get their hair done!
Now that I read back on some of these similarities, I guess we should be thankful that Grandma is acting like a teenager and not a baby. I’m sure that dad wouldn’t want to be changing diapers again!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: child support, court, crazy, deadbeat dad, dumbass, ex-husband
OK world, here it goes! I need an outlet, I need to speak and not really care who hears. I have an amazing husband and two fabulous children…..they’re all perfect and yet I’m surrounded by nuts, hence the blog name. I have an awesome career but can’t stand most of my clients.I have an amazing husband (yes I know I mentioned that) but I have a dumbass ex-husband. I have a great dad, but a nuttier than a fruitcake mother. I have an incredibly large and fabulous group of friends, and yet I’m in therapy.
So against my better judgement but at the advice of a friend, I’m going to attempt to blog. I’ve had a great life so don’t let my cynicism cloud the fact that I am actually a happy person, I am! There are just certain people in my life that will not go away……and they keep lobbing weeds into my garden (or so my therapist tells me). In an effort to get to the good stuff, I’m just going to share the latest regarding my ex-husband. We will, from this point forward, refer to him as Dumbass. In a nutshell, Dumbass and I divorced because he was a drug abusing, financially crippling narcissist. AND FYI: I enjoy full custody of my 2 children and I have a successful career. Onto the meat………..
Dumbass sent me an e-mail yesterday attempting to weasel his way out of paying court awarded child support for his two children. The long and short of it is that he went for over 2 years after our divorce with no award in place. That’s right, stupid me! Actually he refused to work so the support order would have gone against me. However this last Spring a very smart judge reduced Dumbass’s visitation (for a variety of reasons) and granted a support award, and a nice fat big one at that! Can you guess what happened? That’s right, he quit his job.
Eventually Dumbass figured out that he needed to work and found a job, making substantially less then he had before. I have no doubt that he did this on purpose and after you get to know him, I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, I read and re-read this e-mail several times over……and then came waves of anger, waves of laughter, waves of shame…..and now I’m sea sick. Here it is:
