Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: butt, dipstick, England, fag, funny, generation gap, offensive, rainbow, rubber, sex, sex education, verbal, words, words. generation
I know that I’m going to catch an enormous amount of grief over the name of this post but let me explain. This post is about verbal misconceptions, which I find totally hysterical!
Earlier this evening I was having a conversation with a friend. We were discussing the fact that her 10 year old, 4th grade son was coming home from school with some questions about sex. Well, not necessarilysex but things that were potentially sexual in nature. In fact I was seriously thrown over by the use of the word “Rainbow”. After she explained what it meant in a sexual way I just about fell over laughing! Who comes up with this stuff?? Some over fantasized, over sexualized kid who’s parents aren’t monitoring the internet! I won’t repeat what it was, you could probably google it and find out. Suffice it to say there’s no way that it’s happening in the 4th grade, or even in the 8th. I’m betting it ain’t happening in the 12th grade or beyond because I don’t know more than 2 women who would even conceive of having so many different colors of lipstick, let alone 6 women who would have one of any of the colors of the rainbow……..get it? It’s not happening.
But that made me think……what other words do we come across that have the potential to offend and often carry a double meaning, very often so unexamined that most people don’t know anything but the literal and/or original meaning? Here are a few:
Fag: Okay, we know it as the very politically incorrect term for a homosexual but that’s not how I know it. In fact when I was living in England this was the term used to describe a cigarette…..which is offensive because it can kill!
Dipstick: Isn’t this the term that Boss Hog used all the time in The Dukes of Hazard to describe his idiot sidekick? The other day my friend told me that her daughter is taking driving lessons and she was learning about the engine. She came home from class and proclaimed “Hey mom! Did you know that there is really something that’s called a dipstick??” I wet my pants with laughter.
Douche Bag: This is a seriously offensive term but when you examine what an actual douche bag is then it shouldn’t be so offensive. After all, it’s a cleanser, and a natural one at that. So who thought up this brilliant term for a jerk? Were they thinking “I’m going to call you a vaginal cleanser because you’re such a jerk!” That’s a little strange, don’t you agree?
Blow Job vs. Blow Off: Yikes, I’m at risk for getting tagged now. I’m not going to explain a blow job. Suffice it to say if you’ve ever asked a bartender for one they won’t slap you, it’s a rather tasty shot. (Yikes, reading that back sounds even worse). I also almost got slapped when I told my dad that my friend “blew me off” when I was in high school. Geez, he about came out of his skin. It was all I could do to reassure him that it wasn’t the same thing as……well, you know.
Butt: I’ll bet you think you know the meaning of this word but you’re wrong. It’s another term for a cigarette, in England. Remember the movie “Back to the Future”? When I lived in England I went to see it in the movie theater. Biff called McFly a “Butthead” and I cracked up laughing! I was the only person in the entire theater that laughed. See “Cigarettehead” is not funny, at all.
Eraser vs. Rubber: Now this is crazy! In the UK, an eraser is a rubber and in the US a rubber is an eraser! Get it? One is a contraceptive, the other is a writing tool. If I have to explain it, call me.
AND I haven’t even touched on the “cool words” like : MINT, RAD, FAB, and COOL! What about going “STEADY”! That’s for another post, another day!
So at the risk of getting too wordy, you get my point right? I’m not so concerned with offending people with language as much as offending them with actions. Remember this saying: “I’m rubber and you’re glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!”? That could hurt! Or how about “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words (or names) will never hurt me”? They should have added “but don’t throw sticks and stones anyway!”
Either way words are words and tomorrow the next generation is going to come up with another colorful and inventive word for some sexual act/fantasy/illegal substance/jerk name and I choose to laugh because there’s no way on God’s green earth that whatever they come up with hasn’t been used before, in a different way with a different meaning. Suffice it to say….Bring it on!
What is it with men and holes? This is not what you think so don’t get too excited. MFH has an obsession with holes and I know that he’s not the only man.
We have a home office that is set up in a strange way. When we merged houses I had the less superior dining room table (or so I was told) and so we use that as our desk. It’s wide enough so that we have our monitors set up back to back and can see each other(when peering around our monitors) and interact when we need to. I just caught him digging at his ear, and he does this all the time. He’s like an annoying cocker spaniel whose owners are constantly telling it to stop picking, playing, scratching and digging at it’s ears!
Almost daily I catch him digging at his ears. Most of the time he uses his finger nail but every so often it’s a car key…..which I understand is very effective. Tonight I watched him use a paperclip and I know that can’t be good.
I remember ages ago when Dick Van Dyke was schlepping Q-tips and had that goofy TV commercial where he reminded us all to not “put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow”. Have you ever tried putting your elbow in your ear? I did, after I saw that commercial! I remember saying to my mother “that is the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard! You can’t put your elbow in your ear!” to which my mother replied “that’s the idea, hello.” It took me several years to figure out what she meant by that but I’ve got it now.
So I shared this little tid bit of wisdom with MFH, to which he replied “yeah, I remember that commercial. It was stupid.” But I felt that it was my wifely duty to remind him that he could poke his eardrum out…..and then I remembered that he’s half deaf anyway so I’m not sure that it would matter.
So back to the whole idea of men being obsessed with holes. I think that the general theory is “if you can poke it, do.” Yikes, that’s not safe!
Oh by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day 
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anger, banks, capital one, credit card, customer service, customers, government, India
Oh my goodness! That was 28 minutes and 32 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back, and I would really like it back. I just spoke with a very nice customer no-service representative from India (I’m speculating on that but I have no doubt that I’m accurate) who was able to resolve the issue that I had with my (now former) credit card company that shall remain nameless (Capital One).
Back in December I closed my account. I wasn’t unhappy with the company, I just got a better deal elsewhere and they didn’t want to keep me as a customer since they very clearly denied my request to give me the same offer that the new company was giving me. At the time I placed the call, I also paid the account in full, or so I thought, was told, and had my payment confirmed.
Today I made a simple phone call. I am doing my business taxes and this is my business credit card account. I miss-placed (I’m a disorganized mess…..until this year because that was a resolution that I’ll keep) several of my statements and I needed them to reference purchases. Apparently after closing my account I am now also denied access to my online account so I called to get copies of the missing statements sent to me. After punching in the account number, last four of my social, my home phone number and the birth date of my first born (sarcasm) I was given the account balance. WHAT??? What account balance, I was paid in full, right?!?#@&?!?*
I almost felt sorry for Ravi, or Depok, or Rohit, or whatever the F*** his name was because I was pissed, and that’s putting it mildly. For those of you who know me you know that I’m not painting a pretty picture. That poor guy didn’t know what hit him and worse, that wasn’t even the reason for my phone call in the first place….remember, I needed his help.
I think I know now why the customer service jobs have been sent overseas. There’s no way on God’s green earth that a rep in this country would have taken my outrage. I came unglued when he told me what the charges were for. I won’t bore you with those details, suffice it to say they were completely bogus. You should be proud of me though, I stopped short of cussing and that is very hard for me! This guy kept his composure, his voice was steady and calm and he kept apologizing…..which I think only upset me more. He finally got his supervisor on the phone after I said “If you’re so sorry why don’t you reverse the charges, duh???”
So then it was on to the next unsuspecting, very nice and very calm customer no-service supervisor representative who broke down the charges, again….adding more fuel to the fire since this was something I was already fully aware of. So he finally asked me “What would you like us to do for you today?” to which I replied”I want you to reverse the charges and show my account balance at zero, which is what it should be!” and he sais “So you would like us to reverse the charges and show your account balance at zero, is that correct?” at which point I threw my hands in the air and said “YES!”
And he did it, and I was stunned, and now I’m feeling a little like I should apologize for my rude behavior because after all these gentlemen have been nothing but nice and fully accommodating. I can’t blame them, it’s the banks, they’re the crooks…..these guys were just the lackeys who make minimum wage while their big fat cat CEO’s and VP’s and Officers and whatever other overpaid blowhards sit in their high rise office towers waiting for their bonus money from the federal government…..phew, I need a prosac.
And you’re asking what the charges were? $25.28, but it’s the principal of it! So now I’m going to take that money and sign up for anger management classes.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bank, bankers, banks, borrowers, crazy, customer service, death, frusteration, hair, hardship, loan, loan modification, loss mitigation, owe, real estate, Realtor, short sale
Before I get started I would just like to say that I am truly amazed by my Superbowl prediction (read the previous post)! I called the point spread….just for the other team. Minor details, oh well.
I’m going bald. I’m 38 and I’m going bald. At first I thought I had a vitamin deficiency but after the conversation that I had with a bank employee today I realized that it’s not a vitamin deficiency at all. Turns out that I spend about 2 hours every day literally ripping my hair out from the roots due to the incredible and often subhuman conversations that I have with bank employees! It’s maddening and has now left me hairless.
WHY, you ask, am I even talking to these people? Well, because the real estate market has shifted and I have had to shift my business right along with it. As awful as it sounds (and it is truly awful) I have so many clients that are in either a state of financial crisis, divorce, death or all of the above! I kid you not, I’ve seen it all. And most of these people have contracted with me to facilitate a short sale, which in layman’s terms means that I attempt to negotiate with the banks on my clients behalf to sell the home for less than what is owed on the property…..and sometimes it’s a lot less.
This morning I spent 15 minutes on hold with a bank prior to even getting a human voice. This is not altogether unheard of. When I finally spoke to someone, this is how the conversation went: (the names and information have been changed to protect the innocent)
Bank: Can I have your loan number please?
Me: 2849573894
Bank: Can you verify the address?
Me: 17846 SW Whogivesadamn Street, Nowhere
Bank: Can you give me the name of the borrower and their social security number?
Me: I gave it
Bank: What can I do for you today Mr. Brown?
Me: Well, first off, I’m not Mr. Brown.
Bank: oh I’m so sorry (and they always have a southern drawl). To whom am I speaking?
Me: This is Mr. Brown’s Realtor, well actually not Mr. Brown’s because see, he’s deceased so I’m the Realtor for the personal representative for the estate.
Bank: (obviously thrown way off by my last statement) Well ma’am (southern drawl again), would you like to speak with our loan modification department…..blah, blah, blah.
Me: WWWWooooooohhhw, stop talking. Did you not just hear what I said? The borrower is deceased and you want to send me to the loan modification department? HE’S DEAD! Can you modify a loan for a dead person? Shit, you can’t give a loan to a live person but you’ll modify the loan of a dead person??
That’s right, I lost it. It wasn’t long after that that I requested a transfer to the loss mitigation department and was placed on perma-hold again, only to have the line answered by another “customer no service” rep who was kind enough to place me on hold again in an effort to get the department that I needed and she stayed with me until they answered. She was the only normal person that I spoke to, and I miss her.
After I had been funneled through the phone system for the zillionth time I finally connected with Gayle in Loss Mitigation. While there I was able to explain the borrowers dilemma (remember, he’s dead) and then I requested her requirements for a short sale package given these circumstances, citing that I actually had offers to present to them. Amazingly enough Gayle, a woman who undoubtedly takes these calls all day long attempted to read the requirements from a script. I know this because if she had heard me tell her that the borrower was deceased, she never would have asked me to have my client present a “hand written hardship letter”.
I laughed so hard I peed my pants. What was I going to do, have his body exhumed and take his lifeless skeletal hand and hold a pen in it, ever so delicately, and beg it to come back to life in an effort to write a letter to the bank to explain why he couldn’t make his payments?????????? Seriously people, get a clue!
Obviously fed up with me and my attitude and not knowing what to do next, Gayle suggested that I simply send a copy of the death certificate. I obliged.
So do you see where I’m at? It’s not a good place, and that was only the first half hour of a very long day. I’m riding full steam ahead on the crazy train and I was just promoted to engineer. There is only one positive that will come out of all of this madness: since I’ll have no hair left I should be able to save about $100 on my cut, color, and style every month! Can anyone recommend a good wig shop?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Arizona, Cardinals, football, God, Pittsburgh, points, prediction, Steelers, Superbowl
I’m not much for professional football, I prefer college football. For me the Superbowl is all about the commercials, the food, the beer….you get the picture. I tell MFH that it’s about the money. College football is about the glory and the potential, they’re not playing for money (per say), professional football is about the money! Either way, we attended church this morning and it got my mind wondering. If God liked football, who would he want to see win today’s big game? So then I thought about breaking it down this way:
Cardinals: I know that the mascot is actually a bird but Catholics have “Cardinals” too. Score one point for the Cards.
Steelers: The 7th Commandment is “Thou shalt not steal”. Okay, it’s not the same as “steel” (I get that, it’s a metal) but it’s close enough so score another point for the Cardinals.
Cardinals: Based in Arizona, a place that God must really smile upon because the weather is always beautiful and hot. Another point for the Cards.
Steelers: Have you been to Pittsburgh? I don’t want to offend anyone but someone once described it to me as the armpit of America, need I say more. Yet another point for the Cardinals.
Cardinals: A beautiful bird, one of God’s beautiful creatures. Point.
Steelers: Not quite as graceful as a bird, but heavy duty, strong and useful. I’ll give a point to the Steelers for that one.
So, when we add it all up, it’s Cardinals 5, Steelers 1. That’s my prediction: Cardinals will win…..but unless I’m completely crazy 5 to 1 isn’t an actual football score so we’ll say that there will be 4 points difference in the final score, with the Cardinals to win. Plus, red’s a better color on me
