“Friendly competition” isn’t part of my vocabulary and I’m pretty sure that somewhere down the road of life I missed my true calling. I could have been a great sports figure (I have no idea what sport I would have played but I would have been amazing at it), or if American Idol had been around when I was younger I’m pretty sure that Cari Underwood would be a Realtor and I would be making millions, singing my ass off and getting married to a wicked hot hockey player!

Depak Chopra (an amazing Guru of sorts…..if you haven’t read him I would highly suggest that you do) says in one of his books that the real problem with American culture is that parents tend to direct kids to become better at what they’re bad at rather than promoting and pushing them to become better with what may be their natural talents. I can honestly say that I have witnessed this behavior first hand. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and he has been a fantastic father but here is a perfect example of what Depak Chopra is talking about. In high school I struggled with two subjects and more specifically these two items: word problems and spelling. I was however (and if I do say so myself) a pretty good vocalist and I really enjoyed competitive sports like softball and tennis. Neither one of my parents was inclined to promote extracurricular activities. My mother said that she was too busy with work and I have the feeling that my step-mother saw carting me to and from anything as a huge chore and more of my dads responsibility but of course he was busy working too, so I was on my own. Instead, I was grilled with word problems and encouraged to do better with spelling. As it turned out I was nothing more than a mediocre student and if it weren’t for spell check I would look like a complete idiot.

Either way, the point is that if my competitive nature has been allowed to thrive who knows what I could have been and maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t feel the NEED to win all the time. This however, is not the case.

So a couple of months ago I won the Biggest Loser competition that we had at my office, but trust me when I say that winning came with a price. I had my heart set on winning, mainly because I needed to lose a few pounds, not a lot but a few. More importantly I needed to get healthy and strong…..I’m going to be 40 soon for God’s sake and I want to be a hot 40-year-old.

I set a goal that was highly attainable and I made easy changes to my diet and began to exercise…..real exercise, with real sweat About a month into the friendly office contest it was obvious that two people were standing out as the biggest losers, myself and one other guy, we’ll call him “M”. We were pretty much neck and neck throughout the competition. Toward the final few weeks “M” became increasingly more whiney, complaining that he couldn’t weigh in at the proper times and that he should be allowed to do his final weigh in a week before the actual final date because he was going on a family trip and was certain that the possibility for snow was high and that he may not make it back in time……(which we all new meant that he wanted to be able to eat whatever he wanted while on vacation).

Either way, and for whatever reason “M” was accommodated. He weighed in the week before the final and he had lost a whopping 12.5% in the 2 1/2 month-long competition and I thought that I was sunk. I had one week to lose about 7-10 pounds and beat him…..and I forgot to mention that I was also going on vacation for 4 days to visit my in-laws, WHO LOVE TO EAT and DRINK!!!! I didn’t ask for special treatment and instead I took it as a challenge. My office mates however had another goal in mind……do whatever it takes to beat this guy because he’s been a complete jerk!

So, I did daily double work-outs, I ate less and VERY healthy foods and I drank minimal amounts of alcohol. The final four days however I really killed myself. Massive water consumption for the first 2 days, laxatives at night (good God), dehydration for 36 hours prior to the final weigh-in and I was ready……and feeling pretty shitty too.

Half naked I approached the scale and with one eye closed and hardly wanting to look at the results I was stunned…..I did it! Not only had I beaten “M”‘s weight, I had beaten his percentage of weight loss by over .5%, I had lost 13.06% and I was so happy! I celebrated with donuts, 3 of them to be exact. That really made me feel bad…..my body didn’t want those at all!

Later that night the winner was announced at our company Holiday party. “M” showed up in a tuxedo, and we’re all pretty sure that somewhere in his breast pocket was an acceptance speech…..that no one ever heard. I graciously accepted the prize, $300 and the title of Winner in our first ever Biggest Loser competition. I gave half of the money to our office charity and bought new jeans with the other half. I’m proud to say that they still fit and that I’ve kept the weight off, so far.

Healthy competition is good for the soul and sometimes good for the wallet. Now I’m on to my next competition but this ones not so easy and I can’t figure out why. I’m working on building my business and reaching the next level and that ceiling is just so difficult to break through. I keep telling myself that it takes baby steps, one new step at a time, one thing different every day…..just like loosing weight. Since I’ve done that this should be a piece of cake right? Did someone say cake?

All of a sudden I have a raging headache just thinking about it. But the real question is why? Why must I do this every year? And it’s only getting worse; I keep taking on more every year. In all honesty there were a few days when I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown but fortunately I’m way to stubborn to let that happen, so I pressed on…..and had drink or two to get me through.
So, here are some fun highlights of this past month:
* The progressive dinner took place with 16 unruly “youth” in my home and 5 adult drivers. These were all people from my church and the dinner was the day after the 30th birthday party, which had a Las Vegas theme and was too much fun for MFH who spent the entire next day in bed. The host was still in the process of cleaning up the house and the birthday girl was asleep in my daughter’s bed….don’t ask me why but she was. When one adult wanted a tour of my home another person/friend gave her the tour but told her not to go into my daughter’s room because there was someone in there sleeping off a hangover…..she was horrified……it got better when MFH decided to come out of his cave, walked right into the kitchen wearing his PJ’s and looking pretty ripe; the adults were eating and I was mortified. I did A LOT of explaining and some of it was fictitious.
* Every time MFH and I fly anywhere it’s always a nightmare. He gets really uptight and bossy…..which is my job. The highlight of our arrival into the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport was our departure from the airplane. As we exited he walked about 10 feet faster than I could catch up to him and I wanted my roller suitcase so that I didn’t have to carry my shoulder bag……so I asked him to stop, politely. Then I asked again (thinking he didn’t hear me the first time). Still he continued walking. Then I got a little more stern and a bit louder with “Dammit, stop!”. Almost everyone ahead of me stopped…..including him I got my bag but not without a fight. MFH marched off ahead of me again and this time I let him have it…..something like “What the hell is your hurry, calm the f*** down!” I’m not sure what he said next but I flipped him off. I’m pretty sure we looked like a couple in love.
* This past Father’s Day we hosted our dad’s and their wives for a very nice dinner. Everything was wonderful, food was great, company was very pleasant, there was just one small mishap. My father-in-law can’t keep up with my father when it comes to wine consumption. Don’t get me wrong, he made a great effort……one that made him very sick for a few days. I mention this because this Christmas my mother-in-law attended our dinner and she similarly also got sick….in my kitchen sink. To be clear it was not from alcohol consumption…..which doesn’t say a whole lot for my cooking.

So now there’s just one more hurdle before normalcy can resume, getting down to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl. Considering all that we’ve done this month I’m actually looking forward to a road trip…..it will force me to sit down. Once we get there however, that should be another story

About 8 years ago I had a German Sheppard. Lexi was a sweet dog and rarely got into things however she managed at least 3 times to get close enough to a skunk’s ass and got sprayed.
On one such occasion it was a cold dark evening and I was too lazy to let her out of the back door. I decided instead to let her take a quick pee in the front yard and I opened the door just enough for her to run out quickly, do her business and run back inside. She was a bit faster than usual and as she slinked quickly back into the house it hit me like a ton of bricks…SKUNK!
It’s usually bad enough that you discover your dog has been skunked however that was far from the worst part of this story. Our home had just been listed for sale and we were having an open house the next day. Before I could stop her, Lexi ran into the den and began vigorously rubbing her nose right into the carpet. As you might imagine, I panicked. No wait, that’s not the right word, I FREAKED! I began chasing my dog throughout the house with the intention of grabbing her and throw her into the garage. She did everything in her power to evade capture. She ran under beds, hid under the dining room table, and at one point she was so scared that she had peed on the carpet, which only fueled my hysteria.
When I finally did get her out of the house, was able to get myself together and wrap my brain around the events of the last 60 seconds I began to realize that the open house would have to be postponed but more importantly….how was I going to get rid of that smell?
The carpet cleaning was easy, and immediate! The dog on the other hand was going to be a bigger challenge. I had heard about all of the usual remedies including tomato juice and specialty dog wash shampoo but I wanted to be thorough and get the job done so I called my dog groomer Jeannie for her expert advice.
My goal was to pay her to do the job; she politely declined. So I was on my own but not without her “ancient Chinese secret” recipe; and here it is: Feminine Douches. You read this right, the groomers remedy was a douche….and not just one but she thought that it would take several, given the size of my dog and the close range of the spray.
At that point I was willing to try just about anything and Jeannie sounded like she knew what she was talking about so I put on my baseball hat and sunglasses and off to the local grocery store I went.
Since it was early in the day I was very hopeful that the store would be empty. I all but sprinted to the “feminine hygiene” aisle and grabbed 6 boxes of the best douches money could buy…..because they must be the best right? AND God knew, I was not doing it again. When I arrived at the checkout (there wasn’t self-checkout 8 years ago unfortunately), I placed my products on the checkout belt and watched them inch closer and closer to the cashier who waited for them with shear disinterest.
Now I know that these cashiers don’t give a damn about what customers are buying, they’re just doing their job. But since this was a store that I frequented often and since a man had just pulled his cart up behind me I couldn’t help but think that my purchase warranted some kind of an explanation, whether anyone wanted to hear it or not.

So I said to the cashier “I know what you’re thinking.”
Obviously thrown off by my mind reading abilities she replied “You do?”
At which point I responded “These aren’t for me. They’re for my dog.”

You could have heard a pin drop in that instant while both the cashier and the man behind me were trying to figure out what I was going to do to my dog….it was a moment I wish I could have framed!
Naturally I went on to explain that the dog had been skunked, this was the groomers remedy and so on and so forth. Of course both of them had to put in their two cents about how tomato juice and a specialty shampoo were their remedies of choice but agreed that whatever gets the job done was all that mattered.
So I left the store with my purchase quadrouple bagged so as not to have to explain my problem to another living soul and went about the daunting task of de-skunking my dog.

Long story short, it didn’t work. She smelled for months after that. Lexi passed away about 5 years ago and I have fond memories of her, she was a good and loyal dog. This memory is not so fond, but it’s funny as hell!

Two days ago marked the beginning of the end of my weight gain. We’ve started a “Biggest Loser” contest at my office and being highly competitive in nature and knowing that I could stand to loose a few pounds and inches I happily plunked down the $20 entry fee and have now begun my journey down the path of “The Dieter”. This is not a path that I find particularly enjoyable but the winner gets the pot, consisting of all participant fees. Right now I’m not sure how many are actually participating but that doesn’t really matter……although hopefully it will be enough for me to buy some new jeans, since I’ll need them!

OK, so it’s only day 3 and so far, so good. I’ve been up every morning working out for at least 1 hour and I’ve limited my food consumption to fruits, veggies and low fat foods. I’ve decided to cut out breads, pastas, rice and crackers…..all foods that I have eaten regularly and mostly out of convenience. I honestly am beginning to feel better, not so bloted all the time. I knew I would feel better and I’m thankful for that if for nothing else, but what I didn’t see coming however is the total and complete LACK of SUPPORT!

So I guess that I should have seen it coming, it’s a contest afterall. Don’t get me wrong, I’m about the least sensitive person out there so it’s not as though my feelings have been hurt it’s just that some people are being evil (and you know who you are)! Other participants in my office are leaving messages on my Facebook page like “Come into the office and we’ll get you a cupcake with extra frosting” or how about the status update “does anyone in my office want a cookie? loaf of bread??” I know I should have expected it. So how do I combat the big talkers? By not saying anything and quietly dropping the 25 pounds that I want to loose and by taking the winnings and laughing all the way to the Mexican Riviera! Maybe they are more motivational than I give them credit for.

Dieting has also given me a hightened awareness of food advertising. Take today for example. I was listening to Dr. Laura in the car and a commercial came on for Sheri’s Restaurant. Care to guess what today is?? That’s right, it’s free pie Wednesday……shoot me! I love Sheri’s pies. And they don’t just say “It’s free pie Wednesday” they have to go into all of the different pie flavors…..like Banana Cream, Marionberry, Strawberry Rhubarb, Peach, Lemon Merange…….you get the point. I was so busy foaming at the mouth that it didn’t occur to me to change the channel until it was too late, the damage to my pysche was done.

Kids can be brutal too. Last night FD came home from her volleyball game and off-loaded the bag of goodies given to her by her “secret sister” which included crackers, candy, a coke and countless other yummy treats. I gave her the evil eye and that’s all it took. She bagged up her treats and headed for her room faster than you can say Hot Tamales! The problem is that now I know where to go to find “real food”.

I’m learning something through this process though, dieting is not so much about loosing weight as it is about gaining self-control. Over time and over the years it’s been easy to make excuses for not eating right but what it really comes down to our ability to say no, make good choices and stick to good habits. While I’ve also been reminded that support comes from within I’m also reminded that the choice to not pay rent for office space at my company’s location was the best decision as far as dieting success!!