Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: care, Chuck E. Cheese, daughter, doctors, drugs, funny, girls, horses, injury, kids, laughter, mother, nurses, surgery
I am a complete mess! I’m typing with my left hand only and my brain is going much faster than my hand can work and it’s making me nuts!!
Yesterday I had surgery on my right arm/elbow to repair a torn tendon. The injury occurred last July when i fell off of a horse, but on the advice of my primary care doctor (who diagnosed me with tennis elbow) I suffered through therapy and a shot. When the shot wore off I bypassed my doctor and went directly to a specialist who gave me a proper diagnosis and wa-la, I have a 70-90% chance that I’ll be all better, eventually.
But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about my FD. How could this have anything to do with FD you ask? Well, my biggest fear with this surgery was I had to go under anesthesia and that reminded of the time that FD got her adenoids removed.
She was only 5 years old and had been having chronic ear infections since she was 2 months old. After years of antibiotics I reached a boiling point, insisting that her pediatrician send her to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. He did and it was determined that the tonsils were fine but the adenoids had to go and she would be fitted with tubes to help her ear drums drain. This is a pretty standard procedure so we weren’t too worried, just happy that she would find relief!
The day of the surgery we arrived at the hospital. Both of my kids are pretty brave but FD is the most stoic, she wasn’t worried at all. The nurses were wonderful and took us both to the day surgerical prep room so that I could help her get into her gown. I kept assuring her that she would be fine and she kept telling ME that I had nothing to worry about and that she was fine. I reminded her again about our “deal’…..when she was all better I would take her to see the Italian rodent (aka: Chuck E. Cheese).
After she was prepped the nurse brought in a little shot glass of pink juice (happy medicine) and asked me to get her to drink it all down. I was told that this medicine was to help her “relax”, I didn’t know that she was getting high before my very eyes until she mentioned “Mommy, you have three heads”. “Really?” I responded, “and how many fingers am I holding up?” As I showed only one she responded that there were three! I began to chuckle which made her chuckle which made me laugh which made her laugh which made me cry and made her stop and say “wasso funnnnyyy?” which made me split my side open!
At this point the surgical nurse arrived and saw tears streaming down my face. She was so calm and caring when she tried to comfort what she thought was a mother in fear for her child’s life. She tried to tell me that “everything will be alright. This is a routine procedure and we’ll take very good care of your daughter.” As you can imagine this only made me laugh harder, which the nurse mistook for sobbing wails. I could hardly catch my breath enough to tell her that I was in hysterics because FD was higher than a kite and I hadn’t expected that at all! The nurse was not amused by this (apparently they come into contact with more crying parents than laughing) and she whisked my daughter away for her surgery.
She did great that morning! She was only in surgery for about an hour and when they came to the waiting room to bring me to see her the nurses were gushing about how great she was. they told me that most children wake up frightened but not FD, she woke up and announced “Now I get to go to Chuck E. Cheese!” The nurses were pretty impressed by that.
So I’m not going to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon and it will be awhile before I go riding again….I think I like having the use of my right arm more than I like horses! When FD came home from school yesterday to see me laying in bed with my arm immobile and wrapped with a brace she was glad to see that I was OKand helped me get pillows to prop it up with. She’s 14 now and the tables have turned; I may need her more than she needs me or perhaps we’re even now. Either way we enjoy sharing funny memories like this one and I enjoy watching her grow into an amazing young woman!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bike, bruise, clumsy, fall, funny, humor, hurt, husband, Jupiter, kids, lazy, trash, Uranus
Last Friday morning I took a pretty bad fall……because I’m klutzy and that’s what I do!
I had just returned from my early morning walk and noticed that FS never took the trash out to the curb the night before. This is his chore, every Thursday, and he knows this, but he’s lazy! It was still pretty dark out and I wasn’t paying attention as I backed out the trash can and as I was backing up I tripped over FS’s bike which was lying on the driveway, which isn’t suppose to be lying on the driveway, which he knows, but he’s lazy!! Strike 2.
As I began to go down I attempted to steady myself with the trash can which was a really stupid idea because it has wheels and that really only proved to make matters worse bacause it ended up coming down with me and landed on top of me, with me landing on top of the bike.
I have failed to mention what type of bike I’m talking about. This bike is a dirt bike, it has pegs coming out of the middle of the wheels, one on each side (just like the pegs on the bike that Napoleon Dynamite had on his bike when Pedro rode the pegs, remember?). These are very strong steel pegs that stick out about 4 inches off of the wheel and when the bike is on the ground, on it’s side, as it was when I fell on it……..well you can imagine where I landed.
Now had I landed about 4 inches further to the right I would have created a new oraface with which to crap out of (sorry to be so crass) but in this case I managed to land my left butt cheek squarely on that peg and I cannot begin to tell you the pain that ran through my ass at that moment.
I laid in that position for about a minute. Me on top of the bike with the trash can on top of me…..this surely was not a good look. I was halfway hoping that someone would come along and help me up and then again I was halfway hoping that no one saw the whole fiasco, although if they had I probably would have to help them off the ground because they would be there writhing in pain from the laughter!
It didn’t take long for the color to appear. When I was finally able to crawl my sandwiched ass out of that mess I came into the house to look at my butt. MFH heard me cursing a blue streak all the way to the bathroom and followed me in to see what had happened. As I removed my sweatpants I saw that the bruise had already formed and it wasn’t going to be pretty. By day 2 I announced to MFH that my bruise was the “color and size of Jupiter” to which he replied “No honey, it’s more like Uranus”…….he thinks he’s funny.
Long story short, FS gets no allowance because he failed to do his chore and care for his bike and MFH now has a bruise just like mine, from where I kicked him after the “Uranus” crack! (not really, he doesn’t bruise as easily as me)
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: butt, dipstick, England, fag, funny, generation gap, offensive, rainbow, rubber, sex, sex education, verbal, words, words. generation
I know that I’m going to catch an enormous amount of grief over the name of this post but let me explain. This post is about verbal misconceptions, which I find totally hysterical!
Earlier this evening I was having a conversation with a friend. We were discussing the fact that her 10 year old, 4th grade son was coming home from school with some questions about sex. Well, not necessarilysex but things that were potentially sexual in nature. In fact I was seriously thrown over by the use of the word “Rainbow”. After she explained what it meant in a sexual way I just about fell over laughing! Who comes up with this stuff?? Some over fantasized, over sexualized kid who’s parents aren’t monitoring the internet! I won’t repeat what it was, you could probably google it and find out. Suffice it to say there’s no way that it’s happening in the 4th grade, or even in the 8th. I’m betting it ain’t happening in the 12th grade or beyond because I don’t know more than 2 women who would even conceive of having so many different colors of lipstick, let alone 6 women who would have one of any of the colors of the rainbow……..get it? It’s not happening.
But that made me think……what other words do we come across that have the potential to offend and often carry a double meaning, very often so unexamined that most people don’t know anything but the literal and/or original meaning? Here are a few:
Fag: Okay, we know it as the very politically incorrect term for a homosexual but that’s not how I know it. In fact when I was living in England this was the term used to describe a cigarette…..which is offensive because it can kill!
Dipstick: Isn’t this the term that Boss Hog used all the time in The Dukes of Hazard to describe his idiot sidekick? The other day my friend told me that her daughter is taking driving lessons and she was learning about the engine. She came home from class and proclaimed “Hey mom! Did you know that there is really something that’s called a dipstick??” I wet my pants with laughter.
Douche Bag: This is a seriously offensive term but when you examine what an actual douche bag is then it shouldn’t be so offensive. After all, it’s a cleanser, and a natural one at that. So who thought up this brilliant term for a jerk? Were they thinking “I’m going to call you a vaginal cleanser because you’re such a jerk!” That’s a little strange, don’t you agree?
Blow Job vs. Blow Off: Yikes, I’m at risk for getting tagged now. I’m not going to explain a blow job. Suffice it to say if you’ve ever asked a bartender for one they won’t slap you, it’s a rather tasty shot. (Yikes, reading that back sounds even worse). I also almost got slapped when I told my dad that my friend “blew me off” when I was in high school. Geez, he about came out of his skin. It was all I could do to reassure him that it wasn’t the same thing as……well, you know.
Butt: I’ll bet you think you know the meaning of this word but you’re wrong. It’s another term for a cigarette, in England. Remember the movie “Back to the Future”? When I lived in England I went to see it in the movie theater. Biff called McFly a “Butthead” and I cracked up laughing! I was the only person in the entire theater that laughed. See “Cigarettehead” is not funny, at all.
Eraser vs. Rubber: Now this is crazy! In the UK, an eraser is a rubber and in the US a rubber is an eraser! Get it? One is a contraceptive, the other is a writing tool. If I have to explain it, call me.
AND I haven’t even touched on the “cool words” like : MINT, RAD, FAB, and COOL! What about going “STEADY”! That’s for another post, another day!
So at the risk of getting too wordy, you get my point right? I’m not so concerned with offending people with language as much as offending them with actions. Remember this saying: “I’m rubber and you’re glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!”? That could hurt! Or how about “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words (or names) will never hurt me”? They should have added “but don’t throw sticks and stones anyway!”
Either way words are words and tomorrow the next generation is going to come up with another colorful and inventive word for some sexual act/fantasy/illegal substance/jerk name and I choose to laugh because there’s no way on God’s green earth that whatever they come up with hasn’t been used before, in a different way with a different meaning. Suffice it to say….Bring it on!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: addiction, Blackberry, cell phone, e-mail, freedom, funny, lisp, President, speech, withdrawl
I cannot conceive of being without my Blackberry. I finally purchased it last month and already I’m addicted, hence the term Crackberry! I can totally relate to President Obama’s begging and pleading with the Secret Service to allow him to keep his Crackberry, I think that I would be lost without it, but it’s too painful to even think about that possibility.
I mention this because my Blackberry device allows me so much freedom. I was able to take an overnight business trip to Seattle last week and I did not have to pack my laptop because I was able to retrieve all of my e-mails via this amazing device. It’s also very handy in meetings. I can access the Internet and the information that I need to share with my clients via my Blackberry. It’s truly a genius set-up and I wish I had gotten to know it sooner.
There is one drawback to being so connected and here it is. Last week while I was in a meeting I noticed that I missed a call from BFF J. Soon after the missed call there came a text message from her. The message stated “Did you know that Ron Widen has a lateral lisp?” This message may leave many people wondering who Ron Widen is and what the heck does him having a lateral lisp have to do with anything? However, you must realize that BFF J knows that this particular speech impediment is one that I can mimic as though I was born with the problem, and when I do it, it sends people into hysterics (I’m going straight to you-know-where for that!)…..and just an FYI, Ron Widen is our Democrat state Senator (and he’s not my favorite, nor my choice). So upon reading this text message, while in a meeting where my attention was to be directed at the speaker, I bust out laughing…….which I then tried to disguise as an out of control cough and then I excused myself.
So it’s as though I’m having to learn the fine art of self-control all over again. Even though I can access information and e-mails 24/7 it doesn’t mean that I have to. MFH keeps reminding me of that fact when the message indicator goes off in the middle of the night. What’s worse is when I set it on the headboard and it vibrates; but that’s only happened once and MFH got so excited (and you can guess what happened next!). Needless to say I have had to ban the Blackberry from our bedroom.
So there are benefits and there are drawbacks but when weighed out the benefits have it, hands down. It’s just too convenient to be connected and available all the time……unless I don’t want to be available, in which case I would have to actually turn off the phone and then there would be this ugly withdrawl and syptoms could include tremors, night sweats and I may even throw up…….so I guess I’ll just keep using…..my Blackberry!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: CVS pharmacy, daughters, friends, funny, humor, Menstral Cycle, menstruation, pads, Period, sex education, tampons
I felt like a change, I hope that you enjoy the new look of my site……I think it’s peaceful!
I must preface this post by saying that if you’re a man reading this, you may want to think twice. Although I think that this is an amusing little story about a mom explaining the facts of life to her daughter, a man may be put off. So there it is, I’ve given you fair warning!
4 years ago FD was about 10 and believe it or not she actually had friends that were starting to get their periods. (As a side note: I blame it on the hormones in milk and other food products, but I have nothing to back up this claim, it’s just my belief!) One evening she was complaining of a stomach ache and since I was so paranoid that she could be getting her period I decided that it might be time to have “the period talk” with her. I asked her to localize her pain. “Is it up here?” I inquired, placing my hand just below my chest “or is it down here?” I asked, very carefully placing my hand on my abdomen.
She must have thought I was nuts because that’s the look she gave me (and she gives me this look ALL of the time). Either way she informed me that she was sure that it was her stomach and not a pain in her abdomen. While this was a relief to me it also sparked the opportunity to ask her about her knowledge of the female anatomy. So I asked “Do you know what it looks like in here?” and I placed my hand back on my abdomen. She shook her head no and gave me an inquisitive look, so I made the suggestion that we find a picture of the female organs on the Internet.
Hind site is 20/20 and if I had to do it over again I would never have allowed my 10 year old to look over my shoulder while I googled “female organs”. It’s horrifying what you find……and it certainly sparks a whole plethora of questions! After my initial shock I suggested that FD “sit down and watch TV while “mommy finds an appropriate site to visit”.
Eventually I found the proper diagram and I invited FD back over so that I could show her where an egg develops and travels and what the uterus is all about. She seemed fascinated…..and then I got to the part about our “monthly visitor”. I prefer to call this visitor Flo, she visits every month, stays for about a week (just long enough to wear out a welcome), we’re glad when she leaves but we hope she comes again, same time, next month. OK, that’s not exactly how I explained it, but you get the idea. Speaking of ideas, I had what I thought, was another great one……..but remember hind site?
After I felt confident that she understood how periods worked, I decided to show her what tampons and pads look like and how they function. I thought back to an experiment that we did in sex education when I was in school. It must have had an impact on me because I can’t believe that I remembered it! Here’s what my health teacher did: she took a small glass of water and dunked a tampon into the glass. SLOWLY, the tampon soaked up the water, not all of it but enough that we all understood the concept.
Tampon technology has sure come a long way because that’s not exactly what happened in our experiment. I got the glass of water and went into the bathroom. I pulled out a REGULAR (not Super nor Super Duper) tampon and as I dropped it into the glass my FD and I watched in stunned silence as the tampon soaked up the entire glass of water in less than 1 second…..it may have even happened in a nano-second, it was that fast! She was horrified, completely freaked out, and I had a lot of explaining to do.
She vowed to never use a tampon and I was almost right there with her! I had to explain to her the science regarding the differences between certain substances but that really did nothing to calm her fears. In the end I apologized, threw out my mess and FD and I went back to what we were doing before our little chat began.
FD finally got her period recently and at an inopportune time…..while we were on vacation! I took her to the local CVS which was across the street from where we were staying and as we stood in front of the “wall of pads” we laughed hard about the different options. I had to explain that I had no idea what she should get since I used tampons, and based on our experiment from several years ago that was not an option for her. I asked her what her friends used and she gave me the “are you nuts” look again. It took a while but we finally settled on something with wings, to which I reminded her “when in doubt, take flight”!
I think that it’s great that I have a relationship with FD where we can laugh about “that time of the month”. Periods were no laughing matter when I was a kid….I was devastated and begged my mother not to tell anyone when I got mine. FD couldn’t wait to call her friends, she is proud and I am proud of her. Little does she know she has many, many years of fun times ahead!!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: friends, funny, humorous, joke, thankful, thanks, Thanksgiving
Well, what else am I suppose to write about the day before “Eat Till You Puke” day? So here it goes:
I am thankful for…………
- My best girlfriends, who all hate the same assholes that I do; those are true friends!
- Sweat pants with adjustable waist bands, which I’ll be wearing tomorrow.
- My wonderful children because without them I would have no one to live vicariously through.
- My hair stylist. Whether you like the cut or not is not important…..she’s a miracle worker with the color, which covers the grey created by the last item that I’m thankful for!
- Benzoyle Peroxide and Retinol, which have saved my complexion and help keep me looking young (that would be in my humble opinion of course)
- My therapist, nuf said.
- MFH (My Fabulous Husband), who is so fun to laugh at…….I mean laugh WITH!
- The fact that Thanksgiving is only one day out of the whole year because if there was more than one a year I would weigh about 350lbs!
For all of these things and more I feel truly blessed and give thanks; and to all who took the time the read this: HAPPY THANKSGIVING and don’t forget…..elastic is your friend!
