I’m Surrounded By Nuts!


“Happy Mother’s Day” is an Oxymoron!
May 10, 2009, 7:49 pm
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When I first became a mother over 14 years ago I was working retail at the local mall.  I was 23, young and obviously dumb. I was working with a unique group of women far more experienced than me, in fact three of them were already grandmothers. One of these women was very wise, in fact I pretty much worshipped her. Because I feel the need to keep her identity a secret we’ll call her Mary (as in the blessed saint, and she’s Jewish so that’s actually funny!).

Mary had 2 children, both boys. By the time she and I had started working together her sons were pretty close to my age and Mary shared with me her desire to be a grandmother. In fact, when I found out that I was pregnant it was Mary that gave me my first baby gift, a teddy bear (which I cherish to this day…..but have no idea where it is).

After my beautiful baby girl was born I spent 2 months at home caring for her and then it was time to return to work (not a Dr. Laura fan at the time). I shared with Mary that I was overwhelmed by the fact that FD was not a great sleeper, an amazingly loud screamer and hungry ALL OF THE TIME. In other words motherhood was not what I had expected. In sharing these disappointments with Mary I was hoping for grace, understanding, guidance and hope. This is what I got (and it’s stuck with me over the last 14 years):

 ”Honey,” Mary said “I once took my boys to the doctor and told their doctor that I wanted to send them back!”

“Send them back?” I asked, not knowing that was possible…..but still somewhat hopeful.

Then, very delicately she said “I told him that I hated my children and that I could not be their mother.”

“Hated your children??” I exclaimed. And without saying it out loud I wondered “Who could HATE their own child?”

Sensing my unease Mary looked at me and said “My doctor assured me that this was simply a “faze” but trust me, some day you’ll be there too; you’ll know exactly what I mean.”

That story has haunted me to this day. I love my children, but I don’t always likethem. In the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse but at the same time I could understand what Mary’s message was.

Parenting is a choice; and mostly the hardest choices are the ones that are of the most benefit to our kids, but we don’t see that at the time because it’s so much easier to give in to what they want so that they will stop complaining, or asking or screaming! So here are the choices:

  1. Be complete suck-up parents and give them everything they want.
  2. Be the complete opposite and have them grow up to hate you and everything you’ve ever done.
  3. Find the happy medium and then get screwed because they still hate you for not letting them do EVERYTHING that they want.

In other words we’re screwed. Funny thing is that I’m okay with that. I love my kids, they’re not my friends. I don’t think that I truly earned the “friend” distinction with my dad until only a few years ago and I’m pushing 40!

Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet and although I hear a lot of stories of mothers that say that it’s the most rewarding job ever, I’m sceptical. Being a mom never made me money, never made me feel “successful” and certainly hasn’t earned me any awards. So where is the reward? Is this the mind of a mother with teenagers, too overloaded and stressed? Or is this the mind of a woman who had children and expected way more than what the world could and/or should deliver?

It doesn’t really matter either way. I am a mom, I have a job and I’m doing it…..and that’s what moms everywhere do every day. It’s thankless and (yes even on Mother’s Day) it’s just what we do. So why is Mother’s Day only one day out of the year? Is that all that we’re worth?

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Two and a Half Women
January 16, 2009, 8:09 am
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I’m not sure what this post is about but I liked the title!!

In this step-family of ours we’ve had struggles. I would be lying if I told you that MFH just moved right in and stepped into parenting as though he had been doing it for 11 years like I had, but that’s not the case. While we’ve had our share of battles back and forth, it has been a learning experience and we’ve all settled into our roles quite nicely. I’m the heavy (because they are my kids), MFH is the heavy behind the heavy so he doesn’t look bad, and the kids are “the kids” and their roles are to obey…..and we all know how well that goes over. All in all we’re doing pretty good.

In this household there are 2 women, 1 man, 1 boy, and 2 female cats (even though they’re spayed they’re still female!). Estrogen Vs. Testosterone, the girls have it, hands down. And the boys know it. They are constantly attempting to let us know that they are the boss and we are constantly letting them think that….or not.

But who’s really in charge?

At the ripe young age of 13 my daughter is learning the fundamental basics of manipulation, and she’s getting pretty good at it. Wait, who am I trying to kid, she was born with it…..and no, I’m not proud.

Two years ago when MFH and I decided to get married I’m not sure that he ever took into consideration the possibility that another woman could have an influence on his life (other than his wife and/or his mother). I really don’t believe that he thought that marrying a woman with a daughter would matter…..I’m pretty sure he just thought she would be “a kid” and that he would learn to figure her out. What he didn’t bank on was that the new step-daughter would grow into a woman, thus invariably possessing the ability to influence him in the same way as the other women in his life!

We break into song: “I am woman hear me roar….in numbers too big too ignore…..and I blah, blah, blah, fa la, la la la!”  That’s all of the lyrics that I can remember, sorry! But you get the image….Helen Reddy, chest puffed out, singin’ loud and proud; that’s my home these days. It’s tough for the boys and I get that. The real problem is this: add up the testosterone: 1 man, only 1 boy. Yikes, they have a weak link. Give the boy 2-3 years and they’ll be stronger, but it’s going to take time.

So my daughter always comes to me when she needs something. Anything. Cosmetics, food, someone to BS with etc. We’re really open and I try not to freak out at too much stuff. I’m trying REALLY hard not to be my mother. FD always comes to me when she wants to have a friend spend the night (which is almost every open opportunity) and lately we have a new set-up (so to speak). MFH and I have debated the “overnight issue” to death. He doesn’t understand why kids have to spend the night and I do. He thinks that they should stay at their own homes and then play during the day and I think that he must have had a crappy childhood if he never had sleepovers! Needless to say, he doesn’t like them and FD constantly wants them. Do you see my dilemma? She wants it, he doesn’t, and they both look at me to back them up.

So here’s my new move and so far it seems to be working (until MFH reads this post). Whenever FD comes to me with a request to have a friend spend the night I tell her my reasons for the possibility that it may not be a good idea. Then I come in with the “but” and that’s my out. I’m neither the good guy nor the bad guy. I simply say a very sketchy “maybe” and then suggest she go talk to MFH very nicely (kiss his butt) about her wishes. If he says “yes” then I’m okay with it. Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s not the decision maker (mostly) but after all, this is his home too and it wouldn’t be right for me to allow her to have friends over without his buy-in. But, when he is asked and faced…face-to-face with the too-cute-to-say-no-to face of FD he has a hard time saying no, and it warms my heart!

It doesn’t always work but I’ve been surprised at how many times it does. Now I notice that when he allows her more fun and/or freedom, she returns the favor…..she’s taken up cookie making, and MFH loves her cookies! Today she’s trying out a new recipe on him, it’s his favorite cookie: The Ginger Snap. And at the ripe young age of 13, FD is learning that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! Am I a great mom or what?!

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The Honor System
November 19, 2008, 8:36 am
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Last weekend FD, FS & I all attended church. MFH wasn’t feeling good and stayed home, or maybe that was just an excuse to skip church, you decide. We’re your average protestant family, we attend church about twice a month but always make it a priority to force it on the kids through confirmation classes!

So at the service the confirmants in FD’s class all had to memorize and recite the 10 Commandments. There are 5 kids in her class so each kid took 2 commandments, recited them and then explained them. In addition, the pastor used this as his sermon lesson for the day. It was pretty impressive, the kids did awesome!

But that’s not what this story is really about…..I just wanted to brag! No actually this is sort of about the commandment that says “Thou shalt honor they mother and thy father”. I’m not telling this story in an effort to get all preachy, I’m actually laying out the foundation of issues with my mother.

My mother is nuts. We call her CAM, Crazy Ass Mother. That’s not exactly what I would call “honoring” but I think I’m ok. I’ve pretty much fallen short on all of the commandments at some time or another (although I’m not a murderer or an adulterer) but I’m told that I’m forgiven so I’m good! Anyway, I don’t really talk to CAM anymore. I removed her from my life about 4 years ago, for good this time. There were other times that I tried to stay away but she kept pulling me back in. She really is truly messed up but I hope the best for her (and those around her) but I just cannot have her in my life, it’s a recipe for disaster……a pinch of grandiosity with a dash of boundrylessness (something my therapist put in my head).

CAM has always been a bit controlling and I’m sure that most of us would say something like that about our mom, that’s what they do. But her controlling behavior reached a new height when she found the Lord. Please don’t misunderstand! I think it’s great when anyone finds Jesus it’s just that SOME people become holier than thou, and that’s what happened in this case.

The last few times that I have had the misfortune of hearing from CAM it was to inform me and the kids (with a postcard) that she was in NY, attempting to convert the Jews or (by letter) asking us for a donation in her name so that she could go on a mission trip to India to save the Lost Tribe of Menashe (and I only remember the name of the tribe because there is a law firm here in town and Albert Menashe is the lead Partner!! LOL).

The last time that I actually saw her was about 2 years ago when MFH took me to visit my Gramma (not my crazy one) while she was recovering in a nursing home after a fall. When we got there we weren’t expecting CAM to be there also, that was a bonus. MFH had never met her before but had heard stories. The visit started out very nicely and CAM was making ME look like the crazy one…..she was on her best behavior, dammit! But it wasn’t long before the crazy came out and I felt redemption coming my way. She started questioning MFH about his salvation, his beliefs, his Savior etc……she even had the nerve to hand us some mini brochures about how we could find Jesus. My response: “Found him already, thanks!” Needless to say I was more than a little embarassed but MFH got the education that reinforced the decision to keep CAM out of our lives.

I have finally come to terms with my Christian guilt regarding the honoring of my mother. I think that the best way to “honor” her is to keep her away. God knows that if I let her back into my life she would make me crazy and I would probably end up breaking another commandment…….the REALLY bad one!

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